I was in the middle of writing my weekly column when something scary happened to my little sisfur. I read somewhere that talking about upsetting things helps to release the fear so it doesn’t…you know. Bore others by talking about it. So I thought it would be a good idea for Dori to write about it and get it out of her system so I don’t have to hear about it after today.
So please welcome my guest columnist, Dori, who will share a traumatic event that may scar her for life. Or at least until tomorrow. ~ Herman!!!
Dori: I was traumatized the other day in my very own backyawd! But Fwank came to my rescue. Fwank saved my life!
It all began when I went into the yawd to enjoy the sunshine with my brofurs Fwank and Opie. Mom was busy working at the table, but she checked on us every few minutes.
To be honest, in the past I’ve had poor listening skills. I think I may have Attenshun Deffy-sit Dis-odor. Mom always tells me to stay in the yawd. To not jump on the fence. “But Mom!” I argue. “Fwank gets to jump the fence!”
Mom makes an excuse for him, saying he’s older and has something called street smarts that I’m severely lacking as I was only 3 months old when I was adopted.
Herman: Hey Dori! Get to the point. You have 500 words and you’re halfway through them.
Dori: Ohhh-kay. Well, I kinda forgot on purpose about keeping all four paws on the ground, and I decided to climb a twee in the corner where I’d seen my daddy, Nikolas, sitting on a ledge. When I got up there I was shocked to see a whole new world on the other side of the fence. There was caws and bushes and gwass and gawbage cans…
Herman: You now have less than 200 words.
Dori: Suddenly! I felt something gwab my collar and wrap itself around my neck, CHOKING ME! While I quietly struggled in despurration, Mom stepped outside and started to do roll-call. Suddenly! Fwank hauled tail over to the corner of the yawd where I was quietly DYING in the tree. Mom thought it very stwange of Frank to do that, so she followed to see what he was looking at. That’s when she saw me. At first she thought I was trying to get down cuz I’d been caught on top of the fence. But then she saw the vine that had wrapped itself around my froat and was CHOKING ME!
Herman: Less than 100 words.
Dori: While I made Gak! Gak! Gak! sounds in my froat, Mom tried to break the vine’s death gwip on me. Her hands were bleeding! Not weally, but my story might be made into a mewvee and blood draws a huge audience.
Herman: Less than 50…
Dori: If Fwank hadn’t run to the corner to show Mom where I was DYING…I could have CHOKED to DEATH! Fwank is my Hero! He’s the best brofur–”
Herman: And we’re out of time! Until next Tuesday, stay off the fence and enjoy a Wonderpurr week!