Let Me Be Frank, Sherlock Herms

Previously on Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries…No Big Deal.

“How could you be so rude?” Mom yelled at Dad. “She bought us toilet paper!”

“The whole house is pink,” Dad shouted back. “It’s like living inside a bottle of Pepto Bismol. I don’t care how cheap you got this house, it will cost a fortune to repaint.

I noticed Dori had returned from the litter box room. “Did you see where the lady in polka dots went?”

My little sisfur pointed to the stairs. “There.”

Frank shook his head. “She couldn’t have. Dad was standing on the bottom step. She would have to have walked right through him.”

Dori nodded. “She did! And then she walked through the mirror on the wall. I think it’s Evie Pees and she’s a ghost. Let’s get that Amazon Echo unpacked, Hwermie. We need to order pawfessional ghost hunting stuff.”

And now Part 3 of Welcome Home, Sherlock Herms

I didn’t care if the whole house was pink. And other than the joy of shredding it to pieces, I didn’t care if the toilet paper was either. My attention was on the ghost in the polka dotted dress. The one Dori called Evie Pees.

She had seemed so real! She wasn’t transparent like our ghost friend, Charley Feeble, a former detective in the 1940s who became my mentor and was now an angel because he risked his place in heaven to rescue me from hell. Maybe I needed to read some of Dori’s books on ghost hunting. Clearly I was behind in my education on spirit stuff.

Actually…between you and I…my gut twisted at the thought of dealing with more ghosts. Especially demons. I wanted to get back to my original plan to be a hardboiled detective with grit in my blood like Sam Spade, and back away from the spooky stuff I’d unexpectedly walked into thanks to Dori. 

My desire to be a detective started when my author mom told me she wanted to write mysteries. She had seemed pretty set on doing it, and that made me nervous. I’m her mews, you see. I inspire her to write novels. I did such a good job, she asked me to star in her children’s book, Finding Mya.

But how could I inspire her when I knew nothing about solving mysteries? At the time I thought, if I fell down on the job, she might ask my former arch-nemesis to be her mews. He’s also my chunky orange tabby brofur, Opie. We now have a purrty good relationship.

Anyway! When I finally got my first case, it wasn’t to find a missing person or lost treasure. I was hired to get rid of ghosts so my client could sell his house. We even time-traveled back to the 1940’s thanks to Opie and Jack who turned my Gen7Pets stroller into a tricked-out ride complete with a seriously spooky control panel. It wasn’t until I asked my little sisfur, “Dori? Why does Mr. Blunden (our client) think we know anything about ghosts?” that I got the first clue of where my career as a detective could be heading.

“Wonderpurr Detective Agency needed a specialty,” she told me. “The usual stuff detectives do sounded boring. Background checks. Civil Investigations. Insurance Fwaud. The only thing we would be good at is Surveillance because we’re cats—we watch stuff. I thought ghost hunting sounded funner than detecting cheating spouses or missing purrrsons.”

“Let’s explore!”

Dori’s yowl jerked my thoughts back to the present. We had lost our home due to demon infestation and had to move a long way north to the Mitten State. There I’d spied a pretty ghost waving as we drove past the Welcome Home sign into town. Now that I realized what I was dealing with, I recognized her as the baby-talking squealy woman in the polka dotted dress who had tried to lure us inside the house with the tantalizing image of fresh, never-used litter boxes. The same woman Dori called Evie Pees.

Dori zoomed past me and up the staircase with the Wonderpurr Gang hot on her heels. Only Frank remained in the foyer, staring unhappily at the pink carpeting. Frank was having a hard time with the idea of living inside a pink house.

I sat beside him. “Don’t look so glum. Dad will rip out the carpet and paint the walls.”

“It’s not just that,” he mumbled softly. “I got a bad feeling, Herms. A bad feeling I’m gonna do something to get myself kicked out.”

“Aw, Frank. That’s not gonna happen. You’re a great guy! You’re—”

“Let me be frank, Herms. I went three years without a home before Mom and Dad gave me a chance. I still can’t believe they did. Especially after I attacked Mom—she had to fend me off with a broom! And when Dad tried to pet me, I put the bitey on his arm. I was a bad boy. Then I became a good boy. What if I can only be a good boy at our old house? What if I go back to being a bad boy in this house?”

“You won’t. You aren’t the same Frank now that you were then. You’re a different Frank.” As a fat tear rolled down his cheek, I pretended interest in a spider on the ceiling. “I’ll help you, buddy. If I see you going back to your bad boy self, I’ll… I’ll put the bitey on your tail to remind you.”

“Do you ever get the urge to…you know. Spray something? Inside the house?”

Honestly I didn’t. Never had. But rather than admit the truth I told him, “Sure. All the time. But when I do, I think of…happy stuff.”

“What kind of happy stuff?”

Crap! I knew he was gonna ask me that. “Ummm. Well, it’s kinda purrrsonal.”

“You can trust me, Herms. I won’t tattle…cat.” He grinned his sloppy grin, and I gave in.

“Okay. Well. Happy stuff like… Uhhh. Rainbows on roses and…whiskers on kittens…. You know, stuff like that.”

“Rainbows and flowers make you happy? And I thought you said kittens were annoying little shits. At least that’s what you said about Dori when she was a baby.”

I broke a few brain cells trying to come up with something I could admit to that made me happy enough not to spray inside the house that wouldn’t neuter me more than I already was. “Mom,” I finally said. “Mom makes me happy. I love her more than anybody. Even…Dad,” I whispered.

Frank nodded. “Me too. I love it when she sings songs about silly stuff. Dori does that too. I guess I could say Dori makes me happy. Not like she’s my grrrlfurend cuz we’re now fursibs. But she loves to wrassle and so do I. Now that I think about it, wrassling makes me happy. And Candy likes to wrassle so… I guess that means Candy makes me happy, too.”

I felt a serious yawn coming on. I didn’t mean to get so intimate with the dood. I just wanted him to stop moping so I could go back to my thoughts about giving up ghost hunting and return to being a hardboiled detective with grit in my blood. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it. I just wasn’t sure I could make it happen. Not with my partner-slash-sisfur deeply entrenched in all things purranormal.

Speaking of which…

“Hwermie!” Dori stood at the top of the stairs, her eyes as round as two huge quarters. “Yoo gotta come see. Yoo not gonna believe it!”

“What?” I yowled with slight impatience. After long hours in the car with everyone, all I wanted was to find a cushy chair in a sun puddle and take a long nap.

“You gotta come see for yoo-self,” Dori insisted. “Yoo too, Fwank. You gotta come too!”

Frank’s expression revealed his epiphany that Dori was one of his happy thoughts. “Come on, Herms. Let’s go see what our lil sisfur has found.”

He grabbed me by my collar and pulled me to the bottom stair before he zoomed ahead to pounce on Dori and wrassle her to the ground. As I reached the top I saw the second floor wasn’t as pink as the first floor. The walls were a deep rose color offset by white half-paneling. The floor was wood with pretty rugs, and I saw a door that led outside. Since we were on the second floor I suspected that might be a balcony. My fursibs were rolling around with Dori squealing and Frank making embarrassing snorty noises.

Mom poked her head out of one of the rooms. “Take it down a notch, guys. We’re exhausted and need a nap. I’ll feed you in an hour or so.” At the mention of food everyone’s tummy rumbled.

I turned to Dori. She looked as excited as if she’d found a fresh box of Smittens, her favorite treats. “What did you want to show me?”

She scampered up two steps of the winding staircase that led to the third floor. “Up here.”

My stomach clenched. “If there’s a demon in the attic, I don’t want to see it.”

“No! It’s not an attic. It’s better.”

Thinking anything could be better than a demon in the attic, I followed her with Frank a step behind me. “Now close yoor eyes,” Dori said before we reached the top.

“Dori, no. I…”

“Pleeeze, Hwemie. I want to surprise yoo.”

With a sigh I closed my eyes. I felt Frank brush past me and gasp at what he saw. Dori took my paw and pulled me up the last step, then forward. I didn’t want to be a spoil sport, but I didn’t like surprises. Not much, anyway. I like to know what is going on at all times. But I played along because, like Frank said, Dori makes me happy. I love her. I want to keep her happy by pleasing her. Also because she cries when she’s not happy, and her crying gives me migraines.

She positioned me to face a bright light. Possibly a window. I sniffed the air and smelled the brunky scent of wood burning. Fire! Oh no! Something was on fire! My heart ricocheted around inside my ribcage, banking off my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe. I gasped for breath. With my past a fire could only mean one thing: Demon Loud Lady had bamboozied Dori into being her minion and had ordered her to bring me to her in order to take me back to hell!

Dori said, “Yoo can look now,” but my eyelids had already flung wide open. For a split second I couldn’t comprehend what I saw. Instead of the cold darkness of hell I saw a bright window, and in front of the window I saw Gidget, Candy and Chauncie Marie lying on a couch. Peaches had chosen a chair facing the couch and was snuggled among numerous pillows. To the right a pleasant fire burned inside a stone hearth.

“Wow,” I said over the sound of my heart pounding loudly in my ears. Like I said, I don’t like surprises. “But it’s just a room. A nice room, but why the excitement?”

Frank shouted, “Over here, Herm!” and I turned to see a game room where my brofurs sat on top of a chase-ball-with-sticks table.

“Nice,” I told Dori, although I still didn’t understand why I had to see this now instead of later. I’d been tired before she dragged me upstairs, and after fearing I was headed back to hell, I now felt like my bones had turned to noodles. Beyond exhausted, I needed to find that chair somewhere in a quiet corner and nap, hopefully inside a sun puddle.

“This isn’t the surprise, Hwermie. Yoo gotta go upstairs.” Dori pointed to a staircase beyond the chase-ball-with-sticks table.

“Honey, can I see it later? I’m really tired.”

She pushed me to the stairs, and then surprised me by pulling out my deerstalker hat, seemingly from out of nowhere. After plunking it onto my head, she gave me a light push. “Go! Yoo need to see for yourself.”

I glanced back at my fursibs who were watching. Opie nodded encouragement, and Jack gave me a deeclaw up. Staring up the stairs, I wondered where they led. We were already on the third floor. The only place stairs go after the third floor in houses is the attic.

I gazed into Dori’s eyes, searching for anything remotely demonic, but all I saw was her golden eyes and sweet face, excited for whatever lay in wait for me at the top of the stairs. “Okay. I’ll go. Call Mom if I’m not back in two minutes.”

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Welcome to Season Two of Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries starring me, Herman @TattleCat and my lil sisfur, Dori @Adorapurr on Twitter. You can also find us on Facebook as Herman.TattleCat. And on Instagram as Wonderpurr_Life.

If you’re new to us, Welcome! You’ll find Season One located in my Case Note Archives .  You can also Subscribe to this Wonderpurr blog by email. See the side column. Go on, I’ll wait while you look.

A new episode posts every Friday. I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s post, and if you did, let me know in the Comments below. And pleeeeze tell your friends. All of them. Even the ones you don’t like. Until next Friday…

Have a Wonderpurr Week! Herman!!!

Read the Next Episode: A Room with a Mew, Sherlock Herms

 

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Herman TattleCat

16 Comments

  • WOW! Your new Palace is turning out to be a brilliant and NOT all pink either. MOL
    That room with the wood burner is wonderful, and dare I say it, way nicer than my drafty old Hall. The thing I most want to see is what is upstairs, my heart is beating ever so fast in anticipation… I’m hoping somehow, maybe it’s your special desk? Oh heck I cant wait till next week, any chance I can fly over and have a peek?

    • Gosh, Your Majesty… I hope something wonderpurr like my special desk is up those stairs. But what if it’s Demon Loud Lady? Or something worse…although what could be worse than her? If you fly over, you sure can have a peek. I insist! Thanks for stopping by. Purrrs!

  • Herms dude, we love your new home, it’s epically epic and we love the room with the woodburner and we can’t wait to see what’s atop that final staircase, we’ll be holding our breaths fur like a whole minute wundering what pawesomeness awaits mew!

    We can’t wait till next week to find out exactly what’s a’paw, as we can feel that something big is coming….

    Bestest purrs

    Basil & Co xox

    • I love to zoom stairs, Seville. What cat doesn’t? I’m just kinda feeling squirrely in the tummy about what’s at the top of these stairs. Stay tuned, buddy!

      Purrs, Herman!!!

  • hole lee mackerull seerin ona steam grill…..guyz yur new place iz total lee awesum…..shirley…it canna haz deemonz in it…..tho we haz hurd a peer antz zeez { even we had trubull with that werd R selves 🙂 } any way, we hurd they can dee seeve….ya dont spoze ole girlie girl girl haz like a dungeon up ther due ya…..wait…..can dungeonz be UP ?? hermez…we think ewe best ask for bak up…just in case….

    N frank…dood…even if ya sprayed de entire houz N de hole oh town, ya noe yur mom N dad N familee N palz still lovez ya….

    speekin oh which…..happee heartz day oh love two everee one

    heerz two a green spotted puffer kinda week oh end !! ♥♥♥

    • Happy Early Hearts Day to mew too, Tabbies! And yeah, I agree. My pawrents aren’t gonna send Frank packing. He’s one of us now. Um. Demon dungeons can be upstairs? Oh My Cod! *grabs Trout Tabbies paws* Come with me!

  • We”re way behind on episodes and tried to sign up for email notifications here but can’t. It says make sure javascript and cookies are turned on. We think javascript is disabled by default and we can’t access it in FF. 🙁

  • Oh oh oh! I am so excited to see what happens next! Beautiful house and fireplace and windows and STAIRS! I cannot wait for the next epysode! You guys are great and you are so brave.

  • Herman// maybe you should take Opie up with you to the third floor. I know he can run fast and will go for help if needed!

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