No Big Deal, Sherlock Herms

Previously on Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries…Welcome Home.

Forced to flee after I accidentally allowed demons to infest our house, we were now on our way to a new home in the Mitten State. While my fursibs were frightened about the move, I was excited. I’d already moved three times with my pawrents so I knew what to expect. The house would be bigger, better, and hopefully demon-free. Everything would be okay because we were still together as a family. The name of our new town was Welcome Home. I liked it. Made me feel warm and fuzzy about the new life we were about to begin. Then my gaze slid past the welcome sign, and my heart did a quick cartwheel; not with joy but with dread.

And now Part 2 of Welcome Home, Sherlock Herms

“The For Sale By Owner ad claimed the house is only vaguely haunted. No big deal.”

The words that came out of my Mom’s mouth startled my floofy tail skinny straight.

“What entails ‘no big deal?’” Dad wondered.

“Unexplainable foot stomps on the stairs, as though something big and bad is coming for you. An eerie tapping on the third floor windows from the outside. A soft, whisper-like scream in the kitchen around six in the morning, once or twice a week. Also, angry faces are said to appear in the house mirrors. Other than that…”

“No big deal,” Dad finished for her.

“Listen, that’s what it said on the For Sale By Owner website. But when I called to inquire, I was turned over to a realtor who danced around the idea of the house being haunted until I pressed and she said she didn’t like to gossip, but perhaps the seller had a drinking problem when they posted the ad and we should ignore her. The realtor told me the seller had purchased the house with the intention of turning it into a bed and breakfast, and had only been open a short time before they abandoned the property. The house went into foreclosure, and voila! We bought it. I love the idea of turning it into a bed and breakfast. I think we should do it. Sounds like fun.”

“Sounds like a lotta work,” Dad grumbled as he turned onto Dune Beach Drive.

After driving for a long time with numerous stops for noms and litter box breaks, we had finally arrived in the Mitten State, and in our new town. Named ‘Welcome Home,’ the small town was situated along an ocean-size lake and considered the Go-To summer vacation destination with sand dunes, a harbor, a marina, a winery; dozens of world class galleries and boutique shops, and a whole lotta history. At least that’s what the Welcome Home welcome packet said. It didn’t mention a spooky cemetery at it’s entrance, nor the pretty ghost I’d seen waving at us beside the welcome sign.

As we traveled along Dune Beach Drive we gazed at cute cottages sprinkled among spacious mansions, quietly guessing among ourselves which house would be ours. Then we stopped. So this was what Mom called a ‘hysterical house with a turret.’

“It’s pink!” Dad shouted as we tumbled out of our van.

“Shhh! It can be painted.” Mom waved at the plump woman who had stepped onto the porch to greet us. Dressed in a cherry-colored dress with a fancy matching hat, the woman called in an operatic voice, “Welcome Home from Welcome Home’s number one realty company: Welcome Home Realtors!”

Dad opened his mouth, but Mom elbowed him in the side before he could say something snarky. “Behave. Patty Kiss is not only our realtor, she’s our neighbor. Hi, Patty!” she then called to the woman. “So nice of you to welcome us home.”

“Our realtor’s name is Patty Cake?” Dad choked on his laugh.

“Patty Kiss,” Mom hissed as she pulled him toward the house.

My fursibs and I hung back from following them inside. “Did you hear what Mom said?” Dori meowed with delight. “This house is haunted. Wonderpurr Detective Agency is back in business. Isn’t that’s gweat, Hwermie?”

I inhaled my sigh. “Yeah. Great.” It’s not that I’m scared of ghosts. I’m Sherlock Herms, a purranormal detective wif grit in my blood. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with demons. But I wasn’t happy about my own home being haunted. Gamblers, Gemeologists…even pawfessional Ghost Hunters need to get away from the office. You don’t see Golfers living on a golf course, do you?

“Heeeeere, kitties! Here kitty, kitty, kitties!” We turned to see a younger woman wearing a pink polka-dotted dress standing on the porch, summoning us with high-pitched baby talk. “C’mon, liddle kitties! Don’t yoose wanna see yoose mew home?”

We turned our backs on her to pretend interest in the lake across the street. We despise baby talk. Our pawrents speak to us as intelligent equals. Never newborn pets. Besides, if word got out that I answered even once to baby talk, the demon hot line would destroy my reputation faster than Mariah Carey’s disastrous performance on New Year’s Eve.

We despise baby talk. Our pawrents speak to us as intelligent equals. Never newborn pets. Click To Tweet

“Oh, come on, kitty kitties!” the woman pleaded. “I have a litter box room picked out for yoose. After sucha long twip, don’t yoose have to widdle?”

“Do yoo have to widdle?” Dori whispered to me.

“Nope. Do you?”

“Not if you don’t.”

I noticed her eyes were big and watery, and her legs were crossed. I sighed. “Okay. Let’s go.” With me in the lead, we approached the house with a huge porch and a pointy thing with windows off to one side.

Clapping with delight, as though she had mesmerized us with her squealy, nonsensical verbiage, the polka-dotted woman opened the double doors. “Right this way, kitties! I just know yoose are gonna wuv your mew home!”

From the corner of my eye I saw Frank drop down into the grass. He looked pretty glum. “Make her stop, Herm, or I swear I’m gonna spray something. And if I spray something, Mom will kick me outta the house.”

I nudged him back to his feet. “I’m sure she’ll stop once we’re inside. And Mom will never kick you out of the house. Come on.”

“I wuv our new home,” Dori confided as we mounted the steps. “It’s pink!”

“I’m definitely gonna spray something,” Frank muttered as he followed me past the squealing woman into the house. “I’m gonna spray her.”

As I crossed the entrance I felt like I had walked into a thick, damp fog. I felt a heaviness, a pressure that made my ears pop. I ran into Opie who had screeched to a halt in front of me. In fact, all my fursibs were standing in the entrance hall with their mouths agape from shock and awe.

As though puppets on a string, our heads swerved to the right to see a room with pink wallpaper and pink furniture that made our claws itch with desire. Then the string pulled our heads to the left to see a warm, woodsy room with another fireplace and rose colored walls with soft leather couches that made our claws itch with even more desire.

“Is this Over the Rainbow Bridge?” I heard Opie whisper to Jack who responded, “Maybe. I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.”

I started to remind them we were allowed to keep our claws with the stipulation that we never shred furniture, but we had been traveling for too many hours and I didn’t want to spoil their fantasy. I gazed at my fursibs’ happy faces and knew right then, haunted or not, this would be the purrfect home for my family.

“Guys?” Our heads swiveled straight ahead to where Mom stood with the cherry-colored lady with the hat. “Miss Kiss has been gracious enough to set up a room with litter boxes. Does anyone—?”

Ears back, tail streaming behind her, Dori shot to the back of the house where Mom pointed. “Thank you for thinking of them, Patty,” Mom said to the realtor.

“We had two cats when growing up,” Patty Kiss told Mom, “but unfortunately I developed allergies. We had to give them away. My younger sister was devastated. I think the phrase ‘crazy cat lady’ applied to her, even at age seven. She ended up feeding the stray cats in the woods behind our house. Dorothy cared for at least a dozen, although in the two years she’s been gone, I’m sure some have moved on. Either that, or died from starvation.”

“Why wasn’t someone feeding them?” Mom asked with an edge to her voice. Then she said, “Wait. I’m sorry. I just realized you said your sister died. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“No. I said she’s been gone. She left town…with a mysterious man. Now, would you like for me to give you a tour of your new home?”

“No.” Dad leaned against the stair bannister looking annoyed.

“Ray!” Mom gasped, then laughed to cover his rudeness. “He’s tired. Has a wicked headache. Makes him say…” She clenched her teeth. “Stupid things.”

Dad mounted the stairs. “How ’bout we start the tour in the master bedroom? God, I hope it’s painted pink.”

Mom forced a smile as she said to Patty, “Could we get a rain check on that tour?”

“Of course! I have taken the liberty of purchasing a few homey essentials for you, like bread and butter and milk, and cat litter and toilet paper. I’m so very happy for you, and I look forward to being your neighbor.” Waving her hand like the Queen of England, she headed for the front door. “If you need anything or want to start that tour, just give me a shout. I’m right next door.”

The moment the door closed, Mom stormed up the stairs after Dad shouting, “How could you be so rude? She bought us toilet paper!”

“The whole house is pink,” Dad shouted back. “It’s like living inside a bottle of Pepto Bismol. I don’t care how cheap you got this house, it’s gonna cost a fortune to repaint. Plus it’s freezing in here. How much will it cost to heat?”

I noticed Peaches gazing into the room with pink furniture, then turning to gaze quizzically into the room with leather furniture. “Where did she go? The lady in pink polka dots?”

My fur sibs and I exchanged confused glances. “We passed her on the way inside, didn’t we?” I asked Frank who said, “Yeah. I felt neutered by her baby talk and wanted to spray her.”

“The whole house is pink,” Dad shouted back. “It’s like living inside a bottle of Pepto Bismol. Click To Tweet

I noticed Dori had returned from the litter box room. “Did you see where the lady in polka dots went?”

My little sisfur pointed to the stairs. “There.”

Frank shook his head. “She couldn’t have. Dad was standing on the bottom step. She would have to have walked right through him.”

Dori nodded. “She did! And then she walked through the mirror on the wall. I think it’s Evie Pees and she’s a ghost. Let’s get that Amazon Echo unpacked, Hwermie. We need to order pawfessional ghost hunting stuff.”

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Welcome to Season Two of Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries starring me, Herman @TattleCat and my lil sisfur, Dori @Adorapurr on Twitter. You can also find us on Facebook as Herman.TattleCat. And on Instagram as Wonderpurr_Life.

If you’re new to us, Welcome! You’ll find Season One located in my Case Note Archives .  You can also Subscribe to this Wonderpurr blog by email. See the side column. Go on, I’ll wait while you look.

A new episode posts every Friday. I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s post, and if you did, let me know in the Comments below. And pleeeeze tell your friends. All of them. Even the ones you don’t like. Until next Friday…

Have a Wonderpurr Week! Herman!!!

Read the Next Episode: Let Me Be Frank, Sherlock Herms

About the author

Herman TattleCat

14 Comments

    • Hey Sev–soooo happy to see you here, especially after all we went through to get you here. Next time I’m gonna send Mosey to pick you up. Wait. What? You think the polka dotty lady is our realtor? Hmmmm. Thanks for being here, Sev.

  • guyz……we canna wait for yur add ventures two bee gin with polka dot dot !!! N iz yur dad for reel, de hole houz iz like a pepto bottle? guezz if him getz a stomachz ache; all him kneadz ta due iz look at de wallz….

    if de front oh thiz houz IZ your houz…..itz awesum ~~~ happee homecoming…welcome home two welcome ☺☺☺

    heerz two a golden shiner kinda week oh end ♥♥♥

    whitefish wavez two all ~~~~

    • Thanks for the golden shiner week, trout tabbies. I can’t wait to see what happens either. Yeah, the house walls make Dad’s tummy roll over. I think maybe its the idea of painting another house. Whitefish wavez back to you all!

  • HI Herman! Oh my, the new house sounds like a Palace Paradise with all that Pink, we must exchange details. I do hope you’re dad doesn’t repaint it… Mind you with all those strange happenings I wonder if there’ll be any time to redecorate? Anyways I hope you’ll get to find out more about the lady in pink Polka Dots as she does seem very nice… purrs ERin

    • Your Majesty, I know Dori, Peaches, Candy, Gidget and Chauncie Marie are in favor of pink…but it don’t do much for us mancats. I didn’t care for Evie Pees’s squealy baby talk…but she did seem nice. Purrs! Herman!!!

  • OMC A pink house??? Dat would be horrible. We may be girly’s but we fur sure couldn’t live in a pink house, not even with leather furniture. Altho’ we don’t scratch furniture so dat’s purrobably why it wouldn’t make any difference. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya’

    Dezi and Raena

    • Thank you! Thank you very much! Finally! Grrrls who think a pink house wouldn’t be purrrty to live in…even with leather furniture. We all have our claws at our house. We don’t scratch furniture (except Candy but she’s still a baby-in-training.) Luv ya back! Herman!!!

  • Yikes, this is one scary house. (Hides behind Herman’s mom) Not sure if I’m brave enough to stay here, but I’d sure like to hang around unitl you solve the mystery. (gazes around the room and shivers.) Well, maybe I can tough it out for a couple of weeks anyway, if you think you can put me up with a bed for that long.

    • Don’t worry, Mario. I’m a pawfessional purranormal investigator. I’ll take care of the ghostie for you. You can hang out with us for as long as your Mom and Dad let you.

  • Herms dude so sorry we’re late, only I’ve been admitted to Pawspital with my pancreatitis again, hopefully I’ll be back home tomorrow, but The Hoard kindly called me and read your post to me offur the phone just now.

    Dude, mew’ve got a powder pink palace, whateffur mew do, DO NOT TELL the P.A. she’ll be soooooo jealous! MOL

    Loving today’s post and I really need to get an Echo too, be great fur ordering stuff!

    See mew on the next post in two shakes of a lambs tail…

    Bestest purrs

    Basil & Co xox

    • Basil–dood! You need to do what the Vet says to stablize. We need you here, buddy. No fooling around now. Tell The Hoard and your P.A. that we are saying Pawprayers and purring Healing Purrs for you.
      Hugs and guy head bump. Herms

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