Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 6

heaven-can-wait-promoPreviously on Heaven Can Wait-Part 5

I stood frozen on the stairs while the demons terrorized the Ghost Gals, director and child-size cameramen. With no one to film him or yell “Cut!” while he emoted for his TV audience, Ghost Guy huddled in the corner, sobbing like a baby while a nasty-looking demon hovered over him.

Where was Pete? Despite being associated with this Hollywood circus, I liked him. Then I saw him waving a sage smudge stick, destroying whatever demon came his way. I watched as he worked his way into the living room and over to Ghost Guy. After destroying the demon, Pete hauled Guy to his feet.

“Get a grip, dude,” he shouted. “You opened the damn portal. Now close it!”

Guy wiped his runny nose on his leather sleeve. “I didn’t bring my stuff.”

Together they ducked a wicked-looking flying thing with razor-sharp teeth. “Hey Herman!” Pete shouted. “You got any stones?”

“Naw,” I shouted back. “I’m neutered!”

Jack whispered in my ear, “I think he means crystals.”

“I haven’t had fire pee in a long time.”

Jack looked ready to smack me. “Dood. Rocks! You know the kind Mom has in her office.”

Ohhhh! “What kind you need, Pete?”

“Obsidian. Rose quartz. Red tiger’s eye, and clear quartz.”

I scampered up the stairs to my mom’s author office where she keeps her collection of pretty rocks. As I picked out the ones Pete needed, I heard the door to my office open. “Hey Dori, you know what obsidian looks like?”

When she didn’t answer, I turned to see Charley. He wore an expression of panic as he fought whatever was pulling him from my attic office.

“Fight it, Chawley!” I heard Dori yowl.

What the Friskies! I dropped the stones and ran to help my friend…just as he let go and was sucked out of the room. As Dori screamed, I zoomed after Charley. I caught up with him at the bottom of the stairs, holding onto the bannister.

“I COMMAND all SPIRITS to enter this DARK PORTAL!”

I stared at Ghost Guy, standing with feet planted apart and arms raised while he emoted for the now functional child-size cameramen.

“No! Stop!” Pete waved his arms at Ghost Guy. “Not ALL spirits. Just the dark ones!”

Ghost Guy ignored Pete. “I command ALL SPIRITS to enter this DARK PORTAL!”

“Stop!” I yowled. “You’re hurting Charley!” I zoomed to hold onto my friend, but my paws went through his transparent body.

A moment later, it was all over.

“I did it!” Ghost Guy howled into the cameras. “I sent all the spirits in this house…to HELL!”

good-bye-charley

And now Part 6

BAKELITE DIVIDER

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“Bring Charley back!” I howled at Ghost Guy.

He peered at me over the top of the sunglasses he wore despite it being dark and stormy outside. “No. It was Chuckie’s time to go. Plus, it made for great television.” He grinned at his director. “Gonna win me an Emmy this year.”

A growl curled around my vocal cords. I hurled myself at the phony baloney ghost hunter who shrieked, raised his arms in self-defense, and fell backwards, his long legs jutting out to trip me. Unable to stop my momentum, I fell forward onto the bloody Ouija board. Then a strange thing happened. I kept falling! The coffee table on which the spirit board sat didn’t stop me. Instead I fell through the board. Into the board!

What the Friskies!

herman-into-ouija

I felt myself falling a long, long way; something like what Alice went through when she fell down the rabbit hole into Wonderland. As I fell—the dark hole was either very deep, or I fell very slowly—I looked down to see what I would land on, but all I saw was more dark. Then I noticed the sides of the hole. No cupboards or bookshelves or jars of orange marmalade. Rather the sides rippled with scary Ouija board alphabet letters along with even scarier faces, some of which reminded me of veterinarians and delivery men who rang door bells.

Down, down, down I fell. Would my fall ever come to an end? Would I fall thousands of miles until I landed in the center of the earth? Then I thought, what if I didn’t land? What if I kept falling straight through to the other side of the earth? That thought made me wonder what was on the opposite side of the earth from where I lived. China, maybe?

I must have pondered that question out loud because one of the scary delivery men materialized beside me and said, “You’d come out in the Indian Ocean. Only in parts of Argentina or Chile would a straight hole come out in China.”

The fur on my neck raised with fear. The Indian Ocean? Cats can’t swim. I’d drown!

Down, down, down. With my arms and legs and tail flailing, I tried to slow my momentum; possibly grab onto something so I could crawl back up to the coffee table that held Ghost Guy’s Ouija board. “Damn that phony ghost hunter,” I said to myself since there was no one else around to say it to. “When I see him, I’m gonna give him a bite and a scratch to remember me by.”

Suddenly… thump! thump! I landed in something soft and squishy, and the fall was over. But where was I? With everything inky dark around me, it was impossible to see beyond the tip of my nose. In fact, I couldn’t even see my nose! I wasn’t hurt, so I jumped to my feet and looked up. As expected, all I saw was darkness.

“Where am I?” I wondered out loud. Clearly talking to myself would be a side effect on this adventure since I didn’t have Dori to talk to.

“Over here.”

I gasped with surprise. I hadn’t expected someone to answer me.

“Over here,” the voice said again. It sounded far away and girlish.

I stayed put. No sense scampering off to investigate until I knew what I was talking to. “Who are you?”

Silence. How rude! Suddenly I felt crabby. Impatient. Furious! “Who are you?” I yowled. “EXPOSE YOURSELF!”

I slapped my paws over my mouth, horrified by how much I sounded like Ghost Guy. Fear rippled my fur. Would I now feel the urge to run around in smexy shades, mugging for cameras and behaving like a narcissistic Hollywood poser?

Then I heard the voice say, ‘Help me!’ and my first thought was, Dori! My little sisfur was in trouble! Had she followed me down through the Ouija board? Was she lost in this darker than dark realm of nothingness?

I heard the voice again. “Help me. Help! Help!”

“Dori! Where are you?”

“I don’t know.” Her voice came from the right of me. “I’m afwaid, Hwermie.”

“Don’t move,” I shouted. “Stay where you are. I’ll find you.” With my paws extended in front of me, I moved toward her voice. Wherever we were, it was colder than the blizzard I’d been lost in when I found my forever home. Hearing Dori whimper in the endless darkness, my uneasiness lurched to the next level.

“Hurry! I’m afwaid.” Her voice now came from left of me. I turned in that direction.

“Dori, don’t move. Stay put. I can’t find you if you keep moving.”

“Hurry, Hwermie. Hurry!” Her voice came from behind me, so close that I whirled around, expecting to see her. Instead I found myself eye to eye with Vivian Shallowford aka Demon Loud Lady!

demon-behind-herman

Howling like I’d been neutered without anesthesia, I turned to run just as the ground beneath my paws trembled, then lurched as though a giant mole had tunneled under my paws. I felt Loud Lady grab my tail. Her touch burned, making me cry out in pain.

“Not so fast, Sherlock Hwemie.” She deliberately made her voice sound like Dori’s. Duped! Fooled! Tricked!

“Hwermie!” I heard Dori ahead of me. “Run toward my voice, Hwermie!”

Was this another trick? Was Satan using my sweet little sisfur’s voice, or was Dori really calling to me? I didn’t have time to mull the question over as Loud Lady was dragging me in the opposite direction.

“I’m sowry I hired Ghost Guy,” the voice ahead of me called. “I was only twying to help find Chawley. Now I made a mess of everything! Come back to me, Hwermie! I promise I will never again do stuff without asking yoo first. Please, Hwemie! I will give yoo all of my tweats if yoo will come back to me!”

Suspicion filled my mind. Dori never gave up her treats. “You’re another trick!” I yowled as I struggled to break free of Loud Lady.

“Please, Hwermie! Please come back to me!”

“You’re not my little sisfur.”

“I am,” the familiar voice insisted. “I am Dori.”

I dragged my claws along the squishy ground that I couldn’t see because it was so dark. “No, you’re not! Prove it. Prove to me you’re Dori.”

The Demon Loud Lady cackled like a witch as she continued to drag me by my tail. I didn’t ask where she was taking me cuz…I didn’t want to know. I imagined a dark place, far more scarier than anything Stephen King. John Carpenter or Wes Craven could put together.

My life was over! My dream of becoming a hardboiled detective with grit in my blood to help my mom write mysteries would never come true. She would ask Opie or maybe Peaches to replace me as her mews and help her write novels. In time, she would forget about me. That thought made me yowl with misery.

Things I’d yet to accomplish floated through my mind. I wanted to learn more about Selective Looking, the mind trick Charley had been teaching to help me become a better detective right before he went missing. I hadn’t told Charley how, at the end of the lesson, I’d seen a bird-like lady with wings in the window’s reflection, and how he’d looked solid instead of ghost-like. Also, I’d seen some cool guy with shades. I realized now I’d had a vision of some kind. The cool guy with shades was Ghost Guy! Was the lady with wings an angel trying to protect Charley? Now, with Loud Lady dragging me into Hell, I’d never find out. Nor would I ever find out if Sherlock Holmes would ever answer my business correspondence for real, or name my faithful Gen7Pets Regal stroller who had been so supportive throughout my adventures.

“Hwermie!” Dori’s voice drifted through the evil darkness. “I know how to prove I’m really me. Listen!”

Doubt vanished from my mind. I suddenly stopped trying to escape. Instead I backed up into Loud Lady. Surprised, she took a step back. I backed up again and again, bumping against her, stepping on her feet, tripping her. She didn’t like my aggression and growled. That’s when I whirled on her and raked her face with my claws, drawing blood. As she screamed, I broke free and zoomed off toward Dori’s voice.

“Hurry, Herman! She’s hot on your tail.” That was Pete yelling. His voice came from the same direction as Dori’s, only higher. I looked up to see his arm reaching down from the pitch darkness overhead. “Grab my hand,” Pete ordered. “I’ll get you out of there.”

That’s when the most evil face I’d ever seen lurched out of the darkness, spitting blood at me. I didn’t care to hang around to find out if this was the Devil himself, so I scrambled into Pete’s hand just as Loud Lady made another grab for my tail.

pete-saves-herman

Her scream of frustration followed me all the way up Pete’s arm. I’d kept climbing once I’d reached his hand. As the darkness thinned with sunlight, I kept climbing until I hit my head on the bottom of the Ouija board. That’s when Pete reached in with both hands and pulled me out.

I felt drained and out of breath, and my eyelids were too heavy to open. I felt myself lifted and carried to the couch where someone placed a cold cloth on my brow, and another covered me with a blanket that smelled of April fresh breezes. That’s the last I remember until hours later when I woke up.

My lids still felt too heavy to open, but I could hear Dori weeping. She blamed herself for Ghost Guy sending Charley to Hell. Dad was on the phone with a lawyer. They were suing the Ghost Guy production as Ghost Guy had opened more than one portal, unleashing spirits and demons into our once peaceful home. Mom was on the phone with a realtor. I could hear her asking whether legally she had to disclose to possible buyers that the house had open portals and a demon in the attic.

Hearing all this made me want to sleep forever. I didn’t want to face the future. We were moving! I couldn’t take my attic office with me. Not even Charley’s huge desk with lots of nooks and crannies. It came with my office. Actually, it came with the house. It’s too big to get through the door without chopping to pieces. Mom once told me our home had been built around an older house that refused to be torn down. At the time, I had thought that was pretty cool, but now I knew that older house and the huge desk had belonged to Charley Feeble, a 1940’s private detective whom I admired more than my hero, Sherlock Holmes.

Something wet and cold touch my nose. My eyes flew open to see Candy kneeling beside me on the couch. “I think I know a way to save Charley,” she whispurred just as someone in the kitchen shouted, “I’ll pay whatever you want for this house!”

Ghost Guy!

“We want two million,” I heard Dad say, and Ghost Guy bellowed, “SOLD!”

I exchanged horrified looks with Candy. “We’re really moving. We’ve got to save Charley before Mom packs us into the pet carriers and takes us away. What do you have in mind? Can Charley be un-exorcized?”

Candy’s green eyes turned bright. “I want to do a séance. But we need to hurry. While Ghost Guy has been busy overacting for his fans and the cameras, Pete has been running around with smoking sage, closing the portals. We’ve got to get to Charley before all the portals are closed. Otherwise, he’s doomed to spend eternity in Hell.”

home-for-sale

SHERLOCK HERMS DIVIDER

Hey pals! I’m still kinda fweaked out! Not only over almost getting dragged by my tail into Hell, but also that my pawrents have put our home up for sale. I hope Candy is right about having a seance in order to rescue Charley. But I need your advice. Please help me figure out what to do by leaving a comment below. I really appreciate you stopping by to read my Purranormal Mysteries.

Be sure to come back Friday for the Conclusion of of Heaven Can Wait.

Need to catch up with my Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries? The links to all the Season 1 Case Notes are listed on the Archive Page  (see upper tab on far right). If you missed Part 1 of Heaven Can Wait, click here.

Until next Friday…Have a Wonderpurr Week.

Purrs! Herman!!!

If you enjoy Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries, you might also enjoy KRINGLE.

Tiz the season to read a funny book about a dysfunctional family who also happens to run Kringle Enterprises, a company that puts the ‘Merry’ in Christmas and the ‘Happy’ in Holidays.

Click book to read Chapter One!

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About the author

Herman TattleCat

8 Comments

  • guys…..furst off…in de wee hourz oh de morn tell “lassie” ta go out side N take down de sign…then call de newz place N tell em ta take de ad outta de paperz….then hold de seance in yur FRONT YARD just in case sum one doez knot see yur houz iz noe longer for sale then when they drive bye they will be like…whoa….thanx but noe thanx…then haz reel lee loud N wild parteez for like 7 months sew de nayborz will say …wait…de nayborz will want ewe ta moove …..

    seer ee iz lee guyz iz ya reel lee moovin ~~~~~~~ ???

    heerz two a pacific albacore kinda week oh end ~~♥♥♥

    • Thank yoo, Trout Tabbies. You guyz always come up wif the bestest ideas. I’m gonna go read your instwuctions to Hwermie. Maybe he will agwee and that will be the end of my… I mean, our troubles! Purrrs! Dori

  • OH MY CAT! I widdles my pants, and they frown on that on Cloud 9. Do anything you can to get Charlie back and clean house so you don’t have to leave. -Wills

    • *sobbing into paws* I messed up, Pwince Honeysmoochies! I should never have called Ghost Guy. He’s ruined evfurrything! Now Hwemie will probably fire me from the Wonderpurr Agency. What will I do without a job? I’ll have to file for unemployment! I’ll have to cut corners. No more … *GASP!* No more TWEATS!

  • Herms dude, like OMC what the flip are mew going to do now? OMC OMC OMC DUDE we’ve just had a brilliant, pawesome and totally amazing idea – We could loan mew our time-travelling telephone box tardis tingyummybob and mew could go back in time and stop all of this before it started and save Charley before he needs saving, why didn’t we think of it before? Oh that’s right Humphrey only fixed it today, but anyway dude mew’re more than welcome to borrow it!

    Purrs

    Basil & Co xox

    • Basil, you really come up with some pawsome ideas. You should be a pawfessional investigator yourself. My pawrents are packing boxes and Ghost Guy is running around acting like he already owns the house. I don’t know if that tardis box can help un-do everything. It’s pretty much done! But stay tuned. I hope Candy’s seance brings happy results, especially for Charley. Thanks so much, buddy. You’re the best! Herms!!!

  • Oh heck, this is all so desperate, it seems! Home to be sold from underneath you, Charley lost and on the verge of being forever interned in Hell with that Loud Lady. And as for that horrid TV man, he deserves to swap with Charley for all the chaos upset and damage he’s done. Money or not, your house should be yours for ever, as it is very special. Maybe Pete can work a little extra magic for you, and maybe the stroller could help too?

    Purrs ERin

    • Gosh, your Majesty! You got some wonderpurr ideas. Maybe I could get Pete to stop waving his smoking sage stick to help figure this out. More than anything I want to save Charley from spending eternity with that Loud Lady. Thanks so much for stopping by. Purrs! Herman!!!

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