cat humor

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – the Conclusion
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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 6
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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 5
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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 4
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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 3
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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 2
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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait
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Sherlock Herms in … Under the Couch
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Sherlock Herms in… Behind the Bookcase

Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – the Conclusion

heaven-can-wait-promo

Previously on Heaven Can Wait – Part 6

My lids still felt too heavy to open, but I could hear Dori weeping. She blamed herself for Ghost Guy sending Charley to Hell. Dad was on the phone with a lawyer. They were suing the Ghost Guy production as Ghost Guy had opened more than one portal, unleashing spirits and demons into our once peaceful home. Mom was on the phone with a realtor asking whether she had to disclose to possible buyers that the house had open portals and a demon in the attic.

Hearing all this made me want to sleep forever. I didn’t want to face the future. We were moving! I couldn’t take my attic office with me. Not even Charley’s huge desk with lots of nooks and crannies. It came with my office. Actually, it came with the house. It’s too big to get through the door without chopping to pieces. Mom once told me our home had been built around an older house that refused to be torn down. At the time, I had thought that was pretty cool, but now I knew that older house and the huge desk had belonged to Charley Feeble, a 1940’s private detective whom I admired more than my hero, Sherlock Holmes.

Something wet and cold touch my nose. My eyes flew open to see Candy kneeling beside me on the couch. “I think I know a way to save Charley,” she whispurred just as someone in the kitchen shouted, “I’ll pay whatever you want for this house!”

Ghost Guy!

“We want two million,” I heard Dad say, and Ghost Guy bellowed, “SOLD!”

I exchanged horrified looks with Candy. “We’re really moving. We’ve got to save Charley before Mom packs us into the pet carriers and takes us away. What do you have in mind? Can Charley be un-exorcized?”

Candy’s green eyes turned bright. “I want to do a séance. But we need to hurry. While Ghost Guy has been busy overacting for his fans and the cameras, Pete has been running around with smoking sage, closing the portals. We’ve got to get to Charley before all the portals are closed. Otherwise, he’s doomed to spend eternity in Hell.”

home-for-sale

And now the Conclusion

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 6

heaven-can-wait-promoPreviously on Heaven Can Wait-Part 5

I stood frozen on the stairs while the demons terrorized the Ghost Gals, director and child-size cameramen. With no one to film him or yell “Cut!” while he emoted for his TV audience, Ghost Guy huddled in the corner, sobbing like a baby while a nasty-looking demon hovered over him.

Where was Pete? Despite being associated with this Hollywood circus, I liked him. Then I saw him waving a sage smudge stick, destroying whatever demon came his way. I watched as he worked his way into the living room and over to Ghost Guy. After destroying the demon, Pete hauled Guy to his feet.

“Get a grip, dude,” he shouted. “You opened the damn portal. Now close it!”

Guy wiped his runny nose on his leather sleeve. “I didn’t bring my stuff.”

Together they ducked a wicked-looking flying thing with razor-sharp teeth. “Hey Herman!” Pete shouted. “You got any stones?”

“Naw,” I shouted back. “I’m neutered!”

Jack whispered in my ear, “I think he means crystals.”

“I haven’t had fire pee in a long time.”

Jack looked ready to smack me. “Dood. Rocks! You know the kind Mom has in her office.”

Ohhhh! “What kind you need, Pete?”

“Obsidian. Rose quartz. Red tiger’s eye, and clear quartz.”

I scampered up the stairs to my mom’s author office where she keeps her collection of pretty rocks. As I picked out the ones Pete needed, I heard the door to my office open. “Hey Dori, you know what obsidian looks like?”

When she didn’t answer, I turned to see Charley. He wore an expression of panic as he fought whatever was pulling him from my attic office.

“Fight it, Chawley!” I heard Dori yowl.

What the Friskies! I dropped the stones and ran to help my friend…just as he let go and was sucked out of the room. As Dori screamed, I zoomed after Charley. I caught up with him at the bottom of the stairs, holding onto the bannister.

“I COMMAND all SPIRITS to enter this DARK PORTAL!”

I stared at Ghost Guy, standing with feet planted apart and arms raised while he emoted for the now functional child-size cameramen.

“No! Stop!” Pete waved his arms at Ghost Guy. “Not ALL spirits. Just the dark ones!”

Ghost Guy ignored Pete. “I command ALL SPIRITS to enter this DARK PORTAL!”

“Stop!” I yowled. “You’re hurting Charley!” I zoomed to hold onto my friend, but my paws went through his transparent body.

A moment later, it was all over.

“I did it!” Ghost Guy howled into the cameras. “I sent all the spirits in this house…to HELL!”

good-bye-charley

And now Part 6

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 5

heaven-can-wait-promo

Previously on Heaven Can Wait–Part 4

When the demon roared, “Give me back my house, or Charley will burn in hell!” Ghost Guy passed out. Or maybe fainted on purpose for the cameras; I don’t know for sure.

“Get your facts straight, Vivian. You’ve already admitted you don’t have Charley.” I pawed the book back onto the shelf, forcing her to release Ghost Guy.

Pete grinned at me. “Damn! You’re impressive.” He flicked a look of disgust at his partner lying on the floor, then said to me, “Who’s Charley?”

“Charley Feeble was a private detective back in the 1940’s.” While I told Pete the story about how I met Charley and how Vivian Shallowford made Charley dead, the director yelled “Cut!” and Ghost Guy stopped acting faint.

“So you don’t know what happened to Charley’s spirit?” Pete asked as we moved to sit on the couch. “Maybe he went into the light.”

“He wouldn’t do that without telling me,” I said as Dori crawled into Pete’s lap. “He’s giving me detective lessons. I’m worried. If the demon doesn’t have Charley, then where is he?”

“That’s why I called Ghost Guy,” Dori told Pete. “To find Chawley.”

“This house is sitting on top of an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND!” We turned to where Ghost Guy was performing for the cameras. Despite the attic heat and weak light from the window as twilight set in, the ghost hunter still wore his sunglasses and leather jacket. “Behind this bookcase is a VORTEX! A whirling mass of DEMONIC ENERGY trying to KILL ME!”

He fell to his knees, groaning. “I feel dizzy. I feel nauseous. I feel the demon trying to POSSESS ME!”

I glared at the director. “If he barfs, you clean it up.”

Ghost Guy abruptly lurched to his feet. “That’s what you’re trying to do, isn’t it?” he shouted at the bookcase. “Make me dizzy. Make me PUKE! You’re FEEDING on the people in this house. You’re feeding on their WEAKNESSES.”

A growl curled around my vocal cords. “Who you calling weak, buster?”

Ghost Guy shook his fist at the bookcase. “EXPOSE YOURSELF!”

“Cut!”

Squeak! Squeak!

“Oh my GOD! Did you HEAR THAT?”

I rolled my eyes so far back into my head, I saw my brain. The fearless ghost hunter had stepped on one of Dori’s cat toys.

Pete nudged my shoulder. “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” He pointed to the black mist rolling from Candy into the air. For a moment it swirled around her like smoke, then gathered mass until it grew to the size of an elephant directly behind Ghost Guy.

“You’ve activated something, dude,” Pete called to his partner.

“What do you mean?” Guy looked everywhere around him, except behind him.

Meanwhile the director and cameramen were huddled together with their jaws dropped. Clearly the cameras weren’t recording to what the black mist was about to do to their star.

ghost-guy-elephant

“EXPOSE YOURSELF!”

What is once seen cannot be unseen. I closed my eyes to protect myself.

And now Part 5

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“SQUEEEEE!”

The scream made my heart stop. I couldn’t look. I pictured Ghost Guy with his leather jacket and smexy shades forever ground into my office floor. I don’t mean to sound cold, but the first thought that crossed my mind was, would I have to sue the TV people to pay to clean-up the mess?

“SQUEEEEE! SQUEEEE!”

I had a pretty low opinion of Ghost Guy to begin with; a Hollywood fake who mugs for the cameras. But now his scream made my opinion drop even farther. He sounded like—

I opened one eye in time to see Dori chase after a treat that had been kicked during the scuffle. “Mine!” she screamed. “Mine!”

What happened next can never be forgotten.

Dori’s scream startled Ghost Guy who saw the treat skidding across the floor and overreacted (big surprise) by screaming like it was possessed. He kicked it under the couch. The flying treat caught the attention of the shadow elephant who dissolved into something that looked like an angry swarm of bees and dove under the couch after it. A second later we heard a loud burp causing Dori to burst into tears. At least I now knew what lurked under my couch.

“Did anyone get that?” the direct asked the child-size cameramen who hung their heads.

Pete flicked an amused look my way. “Think we can get it to do a Take Two?”

I noticed Dori on her knees, glaring under the couch. “Yoo gimmee back my tweat, yoo smoky monster!”

I pulled her tail. “Leave it. You have bags of treats.” I then said to the TV hoomons, “We hired Ghost Guy to help us find Charley, a ghost. So far all you’ve done is ruin our lawn and create unnecessary chaos in my home. Either help me find Charley, or GET OUT!” I never growl at anyone, but I was hissed.

“Finding ghosts is my specialty,” said Ghost Guy. “Give me a minute to set up my board. I’ll find Chuckie.”

“It’s Charley!” As he left my office with his director and cameramen, I turned to growl at Dori who was responsible for bringing Ghost Guy into our lives, but all I saw was the end of her tail as she scampered after her hero.

“I better keep an eye on him,” Pete said. “The last time he used the Ouija board he opened a portal and all hell broke loose.”

Night had fallen, turning our home to darkness. I left my office to go downstairs where I found strangers in my living room: Ghost Guy had allowed his fans inside our home! Candles were lit and I saw the Ouija board on our coffee table. Most of my fursibs had gone into hiding over the invasion of fans, though I saw Jack and Opie watching from behind a chair. I joined them.

“Where’s Mom? Did Dad come home from work yet?”

“Dad freaked out over the Ghost Guy fans ruining his lawn and Mom told Dori she heard Ghost Guy is like a vampire. Once you’ve invited him into your home, you need to drive a stake through his heart to get rid of him. It was an impressive visual with Mom pantomiming herself driving a stake through Ghost Guy’s heart.”

“Where is Mom and Dad?”

“They were on the phone with the TV studio, threatening to sue when Ghost Guy’s director wrote them a big check to pay for damages. He promised Ghost Guy would be gone by the time they returned from dinner. Mom isn’t happy with Dori for inviting Ghost Guy into our home without purrmission.”

I felt a momentary flicker of sympathy for Dori, but then I noticed Ghost Guy had my star struck little sisfur huddled over the Ouija board with her paws on the planchette.

“IS ANYONE THERE?” Ghost Guy demanded in a loud Hollywood voice. With the cameras running and his adoring fans swooning, he was naturally overacting.

I spied Pete out of camera range, drinking a glass of Mom’s soy milk. “Vile stuff,” I heard him mutter as I joined him. “You look worried, Pete.”

“Between you and I, Guy is a phony with enough knowledge to be dangerous. The last time he used a spirit board, the producer and director lost their jobs. Not Guy, of course. He’s the star!”

“Why? What happened?”

“People sue when their home gets invaded by demons they didn’t have before Ghost Guy opened a portal.”

Outside a flash of lightning cut through the night, followed by a loud boom. Then all hell broke loose with wind and rain bending trees and knocking over lawn furniture.

“If you’re here and not talking to me,” Ghost Guy yelled above the Nature chaos, “you’re a COWARD!”

Lightning lit up our yard like it was high-noon. It struck our hundred-year-old shagbark hickory, breaking off a thirty-foot branch that drove itself into the ground like Satan throwing down his pitchfork.

“Look at the board!” one of the cameramen shouted, with the director yelling “Cut!” so he could move Pete into camera range to yell, “Look at the board!”

Meanwhile, I looked at the board. It wasn’t spelling anything. It was moving in a series of figure 8’s.

“EXPOSE YOURSELF, COWARD!”

“Cut!”

Pete returned to my side, a paler shade of white. “If you’ve got any holy water or blessed candles lying around, now would be a good time to bring them out.”

“The planchette is making figure 8’s. That’s not good, is it?”

“Nope. Something is trying to get out of the board.”

I felt the fur on the back of my neck bristle. “I don’t suppose it’s Charley.”

“If your Charley is coming out of that board, then he’s pretty much gone to the dark side.”

A combination of screams and gasps from the Ghost Gal’s (Ghost Guy’s fans) jerked my attention back to the board where blood was spurting out of the planchette. It took me a moment to believe what I was seeing.

A skull was coming out of the board, covered with the Ouija alphabet and symbols.

dori-with-skull

I moved to grab my little sisfur from danger, but Pete hooked a finger in my collar. “Don’t call attention to yourself.”

“Dori’s in danger!”

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING A COWARD!” the skull screamed at Ghost Guy—who fainted (big shocker).

Wackiness then ensued with Ghost Gals rushing to revive their hero while blood showered everyone, including Mom’s new couch. She would definitely sue.

I broke loose from Pete to grab Dori. With her paws still on the planchette, she stared at the board as though in a trance. I tried to pull her away, but something held onto her. That’s when I noticed her tabby stripes were shifting and curling to resemble the Ouija alphabet. As the skull sank back into the board, Dori’s beautiful fur rippled with strange and spooky symbols.

“Help me!” I yowled. My brofurs scampered from behind the chair, grabbed Dori’s legs and helped me hustle her up to my office. There, to my shock, we found Charley waiting for us.

“Is she all right?” Charley clearly didn’t need to be brought up to speed on what had happened since he’d disappeared.

We laid Dori on the couch. She looked exhausted, as well as scary with the Ouija board rippling her fur. And when she coughed the letters spelling ‘Good Bye’ spilled like smoke from her mouth.

My heart stopped. “No!” I threw myself on top of her, sobbing, “No!”

“Herman.” Charley’s kind voice weaved through my panic. “Go to my desk. Open the top drawer on the far right.”

Inside the drawer I found a coin-sized object: a bird of prey holding a medallion of a man from another century.

medallion-216043_1280

“Slip it onto Dori’s collar,” Charley told me. That took some effort since I’m all dewclaws…but after it was on her collar, he said, “She will be protected from Zozo for as long as she wears the medal.”

Opie’s jaw dropped. “Dori is in danger from Zozo the Clown?”

“That’s Bozo, you bozo!” Jack snarled. “Zozo is a demon who lives inside the Ouija board.”

“Tweats,” Dori murmured weakly. “I need tweats.”

I was ready for her request and shoved several Smittens into her mouth. While she chewed, the strange Ouija symbols melted from her fur, returning her tabby stripes to normal.

I asked Charley, “Where have you been? We’ve been worried sick! Demon Loud Lady tried to make me think she had you trapped in hell. Dori hired that phony baloney Ghost Guy to find you.”

“I was called to meet with my spirit guides,” Charley told me. “They wanted me Home, but I asked for more time to teach you what I’ve learned during my lifetime. I’m happy to tell you my guides have permitted me as much time as I need. As for Vivian…” We all turned to look at the bookcase. “She cannot enter this house without permission. She is forever trapped behind the bookcase.”

A shrill scream broke through my closed office door. “Sounds like Ghost Guy is trying to win an Emmy,” Jack said with a smirk.

Dori sat up, her paw touching her protective amulet. “Yoo saved me, Chawley!”

“My darling Dori, I will always be by your side. I will be with all of you, for as long as I’m needed.”

“We will always need you, Charley,” I told him, raising my meow above the screams drifting up the stairs.

“You think maybe you should investigate what’s going on?” Jack asked me.

I released a soft growl. “That’s it. I’m throwing them out of the house.”

“Nice guy Herman is going to throw Ghost Guy out on his Hollywood butt.” Opie laughed. “This I’ve got to see.”

While Dori stayed behind with Charley, my brofurs followed me downstairs. The moment my paws touched the first tread I knew something was wrong. The stairs felt icy cold and burning hot at the same time. My heart lurched. Had Ghost Guy set our house on fire?

I peeked over the railing. No. Not on fire. Something far worse.

Ghost Guy had opened a portal and demons were pouring out of the Ouija board!

I stood frozen on the stairs while the demons terrorized the Ghost Gals, director and child-size cameramen. With no one to film him or yell “Cut!” while he emoted for his TV audience, Ghost Guy huddled in the corner, sobbing like a baby while a nasty-looking demon hovered over him.

Where was Pete? Despite being associated with this Hollywood circus, I liked him. Then I saw him waving a sage smudge stick, destroying whatever demon came his way. I watched as he worked his way into the living room and over to Ghost Guy. After destroying the demon, Pete hauled Guy to his feet.

“Get a grip, dude,” he shouted. “You opened the damn portal. Now close it!”

Guy wiped his runny nose on his leather sleeve. “I didn’t bring my stuff.”

Together they ducked a wicked-looking flying thing with razor-sharp teeth. “Hey Herman!” Pete shouted. “You got any stones?”

“Naw,” I shouted back. “I’m neutered!”

Jack whispered in my ear, “I think he means crystals.”

“I haven’t had fire pee in a long time.”

Jack looked ready to smack me. “Dood. Rocks! You know the kind Mom has in her office.”

Ohhhh! “What kind you need, Pete?”

“Obsidian. Rose quartz. Red tiger’s eye, and clear quartz.”

I scampered up the stairs to my mom’s author office where she keeps her collection of pretty rocks. As I picked out the ones Pete needed, I heard the door to my office open. “Hey Dori, you know what obsidian looks like?”

When she didn’t answer, I turned to see Charley. He wore an expression of panic as he fought whatever was pulling him from my attic office.

“Fight it, Chawley!” I heard Dori yowl.

What the Friskies! I dropped the stones and ran to help my friend…just as he let go and was sucked out of the room. As Dori screamed, I zoomed after Charley. I caught up with him at the bottom of the stairs, holding onto the bannister.

“I COMMAND all SPIRITS to enter this DARK PORTAL!”

I stared at Ghost Guy, standing with feet planted apart and arms raised while he emoted for the now functional child-size cameramen.

“No! Stop!” Pete waved his arms at Ghost Guy. “Not ALL spirits. Just the dark ones!”

Ghost Guy ignored Pete. “I command ALL SPIRITS to enter this DARK PORTAL!”

“Stop!” I yowled. “You’re hurting Charley!” I zoomed to hold onto my friend, but my paws went through his transparent body.

A moment later, it was all over.

“I did it!” Ghost Guy howled into the cameras. “I sent all the spirits in this house…to HELL!”

good-bye-charley

SHERLOCK HERMS DIVIDER

I’m totally fweaking out, pals! Charley has been sent to hell by that phony baloney Ghost Guy. Plus I don’t trust that Dori is totally okay, despite the cool medallion Charley gave her. I need all the support I can get. What should I do?

Be sure to come back Friday for Part 6 of Heaven Can Wait.

Need to catch up with my Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries? The links to all the Season 1 Case Notes are listed on the Archive Page  (see upper tab on far right). If you missed Part 1 of Heaven Can Wait, click here.

Until next Friday…Have a Wonderpurr Week.

Purrs! Herman!!!

If you enjoy Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries, you might also enjoy KRINGLE.

Tiz the season to read a funny book about a dysfunctional family who also happens to run Kringle Enterprises, a company that puts the ‘Merry’ in Christmas and the ‘Happy’ in Holidays.

Click book to read Chapter One!

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 4

heaven-can-wait-promo

Previously on Heaven Can Wait-Part 3

Watching the paranormal investigators and TV crew take over our house, I felt things could quickly get out of control. I went to introduce myself. “I’m Sherlock Herms, a hardboiled detective with grit in my blood.”

Ghost Guy ignored me. “Who’s next? You cutie? Which body part do you want me to sign?”

My jaw dropped as Chauncie Marie exposed her belly and Ghost Guy signed right over the fourth nipple.

A choir of screams drew our attention to the front lawn. “My fans!” Ghost Guy grabbed his jacket and slung it over his shoulder as he bound out the front door. The screams hurt my ears .

The bearded guy whose batteries died rolled his eyes. “This is getting old.” He grabbed the director’s arm. “I get paid regardless if we’re shooting or not, right?”

“Get out there Pete, and meet the fans while we set up,” the director told him.

Pete shot a dirty look at the crowd trampling our front lawn. “They aren’t here to meet me.” He headed for our kitchen. I followed.

“You got anything stronger than bottled water and almond milk?” he asked, his head inside our refrigerator.

“I think there’s beer in the lettuce crisper.” I watched while he drank one of Dad’s brewski’s and ate a cold leg of fried chicken. “Dori called Ghost Guy because of the problem in our attic.”

“What kind of problem?” Pete finished the leg and tossed it onto the counter where one of my fursibs could get it.

I jumped onto the counter to paw it into the sink and cover it with a dish cloth. “Well, there’s a bottom rung demon behind the bookcase, and some kind of monster with bad indigestion lurking under the couch. My friend Charley is missing; he’s a ghost. I was hoping you could find him. Oh! And my calico sisfur has been possessed by a thick mist that turned her fur black.”

Pete stared at me. “Come again?”

“There’s a demon behind the book—”

Pete flew from the kitchen, up the stairs to my mom’s author office at the top. “Where’s the attic?” I heard him ask Mom as I arrived.

She had the police on the phone, but hung up when she saw me. “What’s going on, Herms? Who are these people?”

“Ghost hunters,” I told her. “Pete. In there.” As he closed my office door behind him, I said to Mom, “Dori thought we needed help finding Charley.”

She sighed. “I hope they find him before your dad gets home from work.”

My office door abruptly opened and Pete stepped out, his face a bit whiter behind his beard. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” He flew down the stairs, his voice reaching a new octave while calling for Ghost Guy.

And now…Part 4

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 3

heaven-can-wait-promo

Previously on Heaven Can Wait-Part 2

“I want YOU,” Demon Loud Lady shrieked. “I’m here for YOU so Charley will come to your rescue, and then I will GET Charley!”

This was the a-ha! moment I’d been looking for. “Vivian, you need to get over your fixation on Charley. He’s moved on. You should too.”

“I want my house,” she roared in a dark voice that scared my whiskers straight. “He stopped me from coming back inside.” She abruptly shoved her face against her side of the bookcase, causing the upper half of my body to jerk back while my feet remain planted on the couch. “You helped him. If you don’t give me back my house, I will get you my pretty kitty, and your little sister too!”

Dori moaned behind me, but I didn’t dare react. She wanted our house. What would Mom and Dad say? And if Loud Lady didn’t have Charley—who did?

“Vivian. You’re in hell. Century 21 doesn’t sell real estate to bottom rung demons. Get over it. This house belongs to us now.”

The bookcase began to smoke. The room temperature plunged, ice cold. My whiskers sparked with electricity. My fur stood on end.

Jack murmured, “It just got creepy in here.”

I turned to see Opie by the door with Dori in his arms, her claws in his neck. Jack sat on the edge of the couch beside me, staring at a black mist seeping from the floor cracks, swirling around Candy who sat watching it as though in a trance.

“If I can’t have this house,” Loud Lady squealed, “then no one can!”

“Gotta go, Viv.” I slammed the book back into place, cutting off her outrage as the mist swirled around my sister. It didn’t drift or billow, though it moved like smoke. It looked more like a dense dark cloud shifting shape. It hovered around Candy for a few seconds, then disappeared inside her. Before our eyes Candy’s fur turned from autumn calico colors to blackest black.

“Mom’s gonna be really mad when she finds out,” I said after a moment. “Any idea what that was?”

black-mist-800

And now Part 3

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The strange mist had turned Candy’s calico markings to coal black and her lovely golden eyes were now pea soup green. Mom would have a meltdown when she saw her kitten—not that my mom doesn’t like black cats; she has four. However she did have issues with her cats being possessed by woo-woo stuff like black mists.

“I’m late for my nap.” Jack zoomed from my office with Opie hot on his tail.

I saw Dori standing by the door. “You gonna leave too?” I asked. I could see indecision in her eyes. But then she surprised me. She kicked the door shut.

“We got twouble, Hwermie. Chawley is missing. Loud Lady is stinking up our office. Da couch monster is eating my tweats. And now Candy…” Dori gestured to the mist swirling in and out of our baby sisfur who appeared to be in a trance. “I think we should call a pwofessional.”

I took a gamble. “Ghostbusters?”

Dori shook her head. “Ghost Guy!”

“Who?”

“Come on, I’ll show you.” Dori headed for the door.

“We can’t leave Candy.”

“She’s awright,” Dori insisted just as Candy burped a smoke curl. “We won’t be gone long.”

Downstairs Dori pawed the TV remote to the Spooky Stuff channel just as Ghost Guy’s TV show was starting.

Dori nuzzled Ghost Guy’s image on the TV screen, “Isn’t he Wonderpurr?”

More like a posturing poser, but I bit my tongue. Clearly my little sisfur thought otherwise.

dori-loves-ghost-guy

“Ghost Guy will help us get rid of Loud Lady and find Chawley.”

“Honey, we might need help, but I’m not sure he’s—”

“He’s available,” Dori inpurr-rupted. “I alweady asked.”

I was going to say authentic, but I let it slide. Wait. “You already asked? Asked what?”

“If Ghost Guy could come to our house.”

ding-dong

I whirled to see a shadow lurking through the curtained front door window. No!

Dori licked her paw and then flicked it through her whiskers. “Do I look purrfect? First impwessions are lasting impwessions.”

“Dori! You didn’t hire him, did you?”

“Hwermie! Chawley’s soul is in danger.” She scampered to the front door just as her hero kicked it open.

“This may be THE MOST HAUNTED HOUSE in America!” Ghost Guy exclaimed in an unnecessarily loud, melodramatic voice that made Dori flip backwards, ass over ears.

“Hey, Guy. Wait till the cameras get set up.” A slick director-type edged past the ghost hunter into our foyer with three child-size cameramen on his heels. One stepped on my tail. “Okay! Take two!”

Ghost Guy slipped back outside, only to kick the door open a second time. “This may be THE MOST HAUNTED HOUSE in America!”

As Ghost Guy and his TV crew invaded our home, I had to agree with Dori. First impressions are definitely lasting impressions.

Mom flew down the stairs to confront the film crew. “Who the hell are you people, and what did you do to my front door?”

Standing maybe an inch taller than Mom, Ghost Guy planted his feet apart in an aggressive stance, drawing my attention to his pointy toed dress boots with their two-inch heels. As a cameraman knelt to shoot up at him, he stripped off his leather jacket to reveal a crisp white shirt a size too small designed to make him appear like he had muscles. “I’m Ghost Guy,” he said to my mom, not removing his sunglasses. “I’m here to rid your home of its demon infestation.”

For a moment I thought Mom was gonna laugh. Then she said, “I’m calling the police.” She ran upstairs for her phone.

“Ghost Guy.” Dori tugged on his pant leg.

He patted her head. “Nice kitty.” He pulled out a pocket size tape recorder. “There is some scary but awesome dark energy lurking in the corners. EXPOSE YOURSELF!”

His shout knocked me on my tail while Dori zoomed under the couch.

“Uh, Guy?” The director waved to get his attention. “The network big shots are pretty adamant about you not saying that anymore. Their wives think it sounds suggestive.”

“Oh my God!” Everyone looked at the dark haired bearded guy in a zip-up sweatshirt. “My batteries just drained. Dude! I put them in five minutes ago. I swear!”

Ghost Guy abruptly bent over, grabbing his neck. “Gak! I’m…being…CHOKED!” He fell to his knees with one of the cameramen looming over him for a money shot.

“Cut!” The director jammed his fists into his hips. “Guy! How many times do I have to remind you? You need to establish contact with the demons before they choke you.”

Guy stopped emoting and rolled to his feet. “Who wants my autograph?”

Dori zoomed from under the couch. Peaches, Gidget and Chauncie Marie scampered in from the kitchen, giggling behind their paws. Only Candy didn’t line up as she was up in my attic being possessed by a shadow monster.

Watching the paranormal investigators and TV crew take over our house, I felt things could quickly get out of control. I went to introduce myself. “I’m Sherlock Herms, a hardboiled detective with grit in my blood.”

Ghost Guy ignored me. “Who’s next? You cutie? Which body part do you want me to sign?”

My jaw dropped as Chauncie Marie exposed her belly and Ghost Guy signed right over the fourth nipple.

A choir of screams drew our attention to the front lawn. “My fans!” Ghost Guy slung his jacket over his shoulder as he bound out the front door. The screams hurt my ears .

The bearded guy whose batteries died rolled his eyes. “This is getting old.” He grabbed the director’s arm. “I get paid regardless if we’re shooting or not, right?”

“Get out there Pete, and meet the fans while we set up,” the director told him.

Pete shot a dirty look at the crowd trampling our front lawn. “They aren’t here to meet me.” He headed for our kitchen. I followed.

“You got anything stronger than bottled water and almond milk?” he asked, his head inside our refrigerator.

“I think there’s beer in the lettuce crisper.” I watched while he drank one of Dad’s brewski’s and ate a cold leg of fried chicken. “Dori called Ghost Guy because of the problem in our attic.”

“What kind of problem?” Pete finished the leg and tossed it onto the counter where one of my fursibs could get it.

I jumped onto the counter to paw it into the sink and cover it with a dish cloth. “Well, there’s a bottom rung demon behind the bookcase, and some kind of monster with bad indigestion lurking under the couch. My friend Charley is missing; he’s a ghost. I was hoping you could find him. Oh! And my calico sisfur has been possessed by a thick mist that turned her fur black.”

Pete stared at me. “Come again?”

“There’s a demon behind the book—”

Pete flew from the kitchen, then up the stairs to my mom’s author office at the top. “Where’s the attic?” I heard him ask Mom as I arrived.

She had the police on the phone, but hung up when she saw me. “What’s going on, Herms? Who are these people?”

“Ghost hunters,” I told her. “Pete. In there.” As he closed my office door behind him, I said to Mom, “Dori thought we needed help finding Charley.”

She sighed. “I hope they find him before your dad gets home from work.”

My office door abruptly opened and Pete stepped out, his face a bit whiter behind his beard. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” He flew down the stairs, his voice reaching a new octave while calling for Ghost Guy.

SHERLOCK HERMS DIVIDER

I wonder what spooked Ghost Guy’s partner, Pete? There weren’t any cameras rolling, so I don’t think he was acting for a TV audience. You know those show-biz types.

Be sure to come back Friday for Part 4 of Heaven Can Wait.

Need to catch up with my Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries? The links to all the Season 1 Case Notes are listed on the Archive Page (see upper tab on far right). If you missed Part 1 of Heaven Can Wait, click here. For Part 2, click here.

Until next Friday…Have a Wonderpurr Week.

Purrs! Herman!!!

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 2

heaven-can-wait-promo

Previously on Sherlock Herms…Heaven Can Wait – Part 1.

“Nooo!” Dori howled. Tears wetted her whiskers.

“What?” I ran to her. “What’s wrong?”

She pointed to the couch. “My tweats are gone. The couch monster eated them—again!”

We stared at the darkness under my couch. Then…

burp-couch

Dori flung herself at the couch. “Yoo gimme back my tweats! I need to review them for Chewy.com.”

I went to pull Dori off the couch. No telling what kind of mood the couch monster was in. He’d been pretty passive, but…

From the corner of my eye I saw something move, and turned just as Evil Paranormal Stuff fell to the floor from the third shelf on my bookcase. Frozen with fear, I forgot Dori and her couch nemesis as I watched the bookcase shake like it was under attack.

Oh My Cod! The demon Loud Lady was trying to escape!

I felt Dori’s claws in my neck as she wrapped herself around me. Together we widdled our floofy britches. That was a mistake. Before our eyes the demon grew scarier and stronger from our reaction. I had to take control.

“Where is Charley?” I yowled. “Give him back!”

Demon Loud Lady howled from behind the bookcase, causing Dori to climb onto my back and sob.

“You give Charley back,” I snarled. “He wants to go to Heaven!”

“Heaven can wait!” Loud Lady screamed. “I have your precious Charley in Hell!”

And then she stuck her arm right out of the bookcase!

demon-loud-lady-behind-bookcase-reduced

And now…Part 2

BAKELITE DIVIDER

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait

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heaven-can-wait-promoI sat brooding in my attic office with my back to the seething bookcase. My snake-necked lamp splashed weak light onto my huge desk, causing eerie shadows to surround me. The atmosphere fit my mood. It had been weeks since my Bakelite phone with the rotary dial last rang. Was I a washed-up has-been after only two cases?

My name is Sherlock Herms. It is my business to know what others don’t know. But since my phone isn’t ringing, clearly everyone knows everything so I’m not needed for nuffin’.

Actually I think Charley unplugged my phone until I got my focus issues under control. No sense taking more cases if I can’t see the clues right under my whiskers. Read More

Sherlock Herms in … Under the Couch

under-the-couch

Previously on Sherlock Herms…Behind the Bookcase.

“I need to show yoo something.” Dori grabbed her favorite cuddle blanket from the living room couch and wrapped it around her before crawling up the stairs to my office.

The minute I opened the door I sensed something was wrong. My Ride was huddled in the corner, whimpering like a scared puppy. When it saw me it ran over my foot with its anxiousness to be comforted. As I rubbed my foot and petted my Ride’s green mint chip dotted hood, my attention zeroed in on my mom’s bookcase in the corner. The shelves are crammed with books about authoring mysteries, books about detecting stuff, and books about ghosts. Behind it is a secret staircase. In 1945 the stairs led down to a yard with a swimmy pool that no longer existed. Seventy some years into the future, the bookcase hid the stairs to nowhere…except now bright light was flowing out from behind it.

Last week I’d been chatting with Charley when the bright light pushed the bookcase away from the stairs to flood my office. Charley had reacted with surprise and defiance. Someone beyond the light had called to him, but he refused to go. “I—I didn’t expect to be summoned so soon,” he’d told me, looking a little shook up. “I thought I had more time.”  Read More

Sherlock Herms in… Behind the Bookcase

behind-the-bookcase

Previously on Sherlock Herms… Monkey Business!

Dori asked, “Did yoo know about writing children’s books when Mom wrote Finding Mya?”

I thought about it. “No.”

“Did yoo know about family dysfunction and Christmas folklore when she wrote Kringle?”

I swallowed hard. “No!” Feeling a panic attack coming on, I grabbed my floofy tail for something to hold onto. “Does this mean I haven’t been her mews all along?”

Dori placed her paws on either side of my face. “It means all yoo have to be is you in order to inspire her stowies. That’s all a mews does.”

“Well said, my little sweetheart.” Charley sat on the sunroom couch, smiling.

I stared at them both. “But… I have inattentional blindness! And you’re wrong, Charley. It is a disease. It has 99,500 links listed on Google. It’s a full-blown epidemic. I can never be like Sherlock Holmes if I have a disease!”

Charley sighed. “Herman, only Holmes can be Holmes.”

Dori tugged on my arm. “Yoo don’t need to be another Shewlock Holmes. Yoor Shewlock Hewms. Not the same. Diffewent.”

“I’m not saying you cannot be a most excellent detective,” Charley continued, but I’d tuned him out. Dori too. Clearly the ability to pay attention to one thing at a time applies to listening as well.

With the hum of Charley’s and Dori’s voices shifted to background noise…like the dishwasher running… I turned back to the window to focus on the bird sitting on the birdbath. Then I shifted my attention to Candy’s reflection in the glass.

I saw Candy stretch her legs as she sighed in her sleep.

I saw Dori exchanging opinions with Charley as to why I should give up my dream of being like Sherlock Holmes.

Something caught my attention. Charley looked solid to me. Not ghost-like, as though he was still alive.

I also saw something in the window’s reflection that made the fur on my neck stand up! Read More

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