cat humor

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 3
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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 2
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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait
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Sherlock Herms in … Under the Couch
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Sherlock Herms in… Behind the Bookcase

Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 3

heaven-can-wait-promo

Previously on Heaven Can Wait-Part 2

“I want YOU,” Demon Loud Lady shrieked. “I’m here for YOU so Charley will come to your rescue, and then I will GET Charley!”

This was the a-ha! moment I’d been looking for. “Vivian, you need to get over your fixation on Charley. He’s moved on. You should too.”

“I want my house,” she roared in a dark voice that scared my whiskers straight. “He stopped me from coming back inside.” She abruptly shoved her face against her side of the bookcase, causing the upper half of my body to jerk back while my feet remain planted on the couch. “You helped him. If you don’t give me back my house, I will get you my pretty kitty, and your little sister too!”

Dori moaned behind me, but I didn’t dare react. She wanted our house. What would Mom and Dad say? And if Loud Lady didn’t have Charley—who did?

“Vivian. You’re in hell. Century 21 doesn’t sell real estate to bottom rung demons. Get over it. This house belongs to us now.”

The bookcase began to smoke. The room temperature plunged, ice cold. My whiskers sparked with electricity. My fur stood on end.

Jack murmured, “It just got creepy in here.”

I turned to see Opie by the door with Dori in his arms, her claws in his neck. Jack sat on the edge of the couch beside me, staring at a black mist seeping from the floor cracks, swirling around Candy who sat watching it as though in a trance.

“If I can’t have this house,” Loud Lady squealed, “then no one can!”

“Gotta go, Viv.” I slammed the book back into place, cutting off her outrage as the mist swirled around my sister. It didn’t drift or billow, though it moved like smoke. It looked more like a dense dark cloud shifting shape. It hovered around Candy for a few seconds, then disappeared inside her. Before our eyes Candy’s fur turned from autumn calico colors to blackest black.

“Mom’s gonna be really mad when she finds out,” I said after a moment. “Any idea what that was?”

black-mist-800

And now Part 3

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The strange mist had turned Candy’s calico markings to coal black and her lovely golden eyes were now pea soup green. Mom would have a meltdown when she saw her kitten—not that my mom doesn’t like black cats; she has four. However she did have issues with her cats being possessed by woo-woo stuff like black mists.

“I’m late for my nap.” Jack zoomed from my office with Opie hot on his tail.

I saw Dori standing by the door. “You gonna leave too?” I asked. I could see indecision in her eyes. But then she surprised me. She kicked the door shut.

“We got twouble, Hwermie. Chawley is missing. Loud Lady is stinking up our office. Da couch monster is eating my tweats. And now Candy…” Dori gestured to the mist swirling in and out of our baby sisfur who appeared to be in a trance. “I think we should call a pwofessional.”

I took a gamble. “Ghostbusters?”

Dori shook her head. “Ghost Guy!”

“Who?”

“Come on, I’ll show you.” Dori headed for the door.

“We can’t leave Candy.”

“She’s awright,” Dori insisted just as Candy burped a smoke curl. “We won’t be gone long.”

Downstairs Dori pawed the TV remote to the Spooky Stuff channel just as Ghost Guy’s TV show was starting.

Dori nuzzled Ghost Guy’s image on the TV screen, “Isn’t he Wonderpurr?”

More like a posturing poser, but I bit my tongue. Clearly my little sisfur thought otherwise.

dori-loves-ghost-guy

“Ghost Guy will help us get rid of Loud Lady and find Chawley.”

“Honey, we might need help, but I’m not sure he’s—”

“He’s available,” Dori inpurr-rupted. “I alweady asked.”

I was going to say authentic, but I let it slide. Wait. “You already asked? Asked what?”

“If Ghost Guy could come to our house.”

ding-dong

I whirled to see a shadow lurking through the curtained front door window. No!

Dori licked her paw and then flicked it through her whiskers. “Do I look purrfect? First impwessions are lasting impwessions.”

“Dori! You didn’t hire him, did you?”

“Hwermie! Chawley’s soul is in danger.” She scampered to the front door just as her hero kicked it open.

“This may be THE MOST HAUNTED HOUSE in America!” Ghost Guy exclaimed in an unnecessarily loud, melodramatic voice that made Dori flip backwards, ass over ears.

“Hey, Guy. Wait till the cameras get set up.” A slick director-type edged past the ghost hunter into our foyer with three child-size cameramen on his heels. One stepped on my tail. “Okay! Take two!”

Ghost Guy slipped back outside, only to kick the door open a second time. “This may be THE MOST HAUNTED HOUSE in America!”

As Ghost Guy and his TV crew invaded our home, I had to agree with Dori. First impressions are definitely lasting impressions.

Mom flew down the stairs to confront the film crew. “Who the hell are you people, and what did you do to my front door?”

Standing maybe an inch taller than Mom, Ghost Guy planted his feet apart in an aggressive stance, drawing my attention to his pointy toed dress boots with their two-inch heels. As a cameraman knelt to shoot up at him, he stripped off his leather jacket to reveal a crisp white shirt a size too small designed to make him appear like he had muscles. “I’m Ghost Guy,” he said to my mom, not removing his sunglasses. “I’m here to rid your home of its demon infestation.”

For a moment I thought Mom was gonna laugh. Then she said, “I’m calling the police.” She ran upstairs for her phone.

“Ghost Guy.” Dori tugged on his pant leg.

He patted her head. “Nice kitty.” He pulled out a pocket size tape recorder. “There is some scary but awesome dark energy lurking in the corners. EXPOSE YOURSELF!”

His shout knocked me on my tail while Dori zoomed under the couch.

“Uh, Guy?” The director waved to get his attention. “The network big shots are pretty adamant about you not saying that anymore. Their wives think it sounds suggestive.”

“Oh my God!” Everyone looked at the dark haired bearded guy in a zip-up sweatshirt. “My batteries just drained. Dude! I put them in five minutes ago. I swear!”

Ghost Guy abruptly bent over, grabbing his neck. “Gak! I’m…being…CHOKED!” He fell to his knees with one of the cameramen looming over him for a money shot.

“Cut!” The director jammed his fists into his hips. “Guy! How many times do I have to remind you? You need to establish contact with the demons before they choke you.”

Guy stopped emoting and rolled to his feet. “Who wants my autograph?”

Dori zoomed from under the couch. Peaches, Gidget and Chauncie Marie scampered in from the kitchen, giggling behind their paws. Only Candy didn’t line up as she was up in my attic being possessed by a shadow monster.

Watching the paranormal investigators and TV crew take over our house, I felt things could quickly get out of control. I went to introduce myself. “I’m Sherlock Herms, a hardboiled detective with grit in my blood.”

Ghost Guy ignored me. “Who’s next? You cutie? Which body part do you want me to sign?”

My jaw dropped as Chauncie Marie exposed her belly and Ghost Guy signed right over the fourth nipple.

A choir of screams drew our attention to the front lawn. “My fans!” Ghost Guy slung his jacket over his shoulder as he bound out the front door. The screams hurt my ears .

The bearded guy whose batteries died rolled his eyes. “This is getting old.” He grabbed the director’s arm. “I get paid regardless if we’re shooting or not, right?”

“Get out there Pete, and meet the fans while we set up,” the director told him.

Pete shot a dirty look at the crowd trampling our front lawn. “They aren’t here to meet me.” He headed for our kitchen. I followed.

“You got anything stronger than bottled water and almond milk?” he asked, his head inside our refrigerator.

“I think there’s beer in the lettuce crisper.” I watched while he drank one of Dad’s brewski’s and ate a cold leg of fried chicken. “Dori called Ghost Guy because of the problem in our attic.”

“What kind of problem?” Pete finished the leg and tossed it onto the counter where one of my fursibs could get it.

I jumped onto the counter to paw it into the sink and cover it with a dish cloth. “Well, there’s a bottom rung demon behind the bookcase, and some kind of monster with bad indigestion lurking under the couch. My friend Charley is missing; he’s a ghost. I was hoping you could find him. Oh! And my calico sisfur has been possessed by a thick mist that turned her fur black.”

Pete stared at me. “Come again?”

“There’s a demon behind the book—”

Pete flew from the kitchen, then up the stairs to my mom’s author office at the top. “Where’s the attic?” I heard him ask Mom as I arrived.

She had the police on the phone, but hung up when she saw me. “What’s going on, Herms? Who are these people?”

“Ghost hunters,” I told her. “Pete. In there.” As he closed my office door behind him, I said to Mom, “Dori thought we needed help finding Charley.”

She sighed. “I hope they find him before your dad gets home from work.”

My office door abruptly opened and Pete stepped out, his face a bit whiter behind his beard. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” He flew down the stairs, his voice reaching a new octave while calling for Ghost Guy.

SHERLOCK HERMS DIVIDER

I wonder what spooked Ghost Guy’s partner, Pete? There weren’t any cameras rolling, so I don’t think he was acting for a TV audience. You know those show-biz types.

Be sure to come back Friday for Part 4 of Heaven Can Wait.

Need to catch up with my Sherlock Herms Purranormal Mysteries? The links to all the Season 1 Case Notes are listed on the Archive Page (see upper tab on far right). If you missed Part 1 of Heaven Can Wait, click here. For Part 2, click here.

Until next Friday…Have a Wonderpurr Week.

Purrs! Herman!!!

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait – Part 2

heaven-can-wait-promo

Previously on Sherlock Herms…Heaven Can Wait – Part 1.

“Nooo!” Dori howled. Tears wetted her whiskers.

“What?” I ran to her. “What’s wrong?”

She pointed to the couch. “My tweats are gone. The couch monster eated them—again!”

We stared at the darkness under my couch. Then…

burp-couch

Dori flung herself at the couch. “Yoo gimme back my tweats! I need to review them for Chewy.com.”

I went to pull Dori off the couch. No telling what kind of mood the couch monster was in. He’d been pretty passive, but…

From the corner of my eye I saw something move, and turned just as Evil Paranormal Stuff fell to the floor from the third shelf on my bookcase. Frozen with fear, I forgot Dori and her couch nemesis as I watched the bookcase shake like it was under attack.

Oh My Cod! The demon Loud Lady was trying to escape!

I felt Dori’s claws in my neck as she wrapped herself around me. Together we widdled our floofy britches. That was a mistake. Before our eyes the demon grew scarier and stronger from our reaction. I had to take control.

“Where is Charley?” I yowled. “Give him back!”

Demon Loud Lady howled from behind the bookcase, causing Dori to climb onto my back and sob.

“You give Charley back,” I snarled. “He wants to go to Heaven!”

“Heaven can wait!” Loud Lady screamed. “I have your precious Charley in Hell!”

And then she stuck her arm right out of the bookcase!

demon-loud-lady-behind-bookcase-reduced

And now…Part 2

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Sherlock Herms in… Heaven Can Wait

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heaven-can-wait-promoI sat brooding in my attic office with my back to the seething bookcase. My snake-necked lamp splashed weak light onto my huge desk, causing eerie shadows to surround me. The atmosphere fit my mood. It had been weeks since my Bakelite phone with the rotary dial last rang. Was I a washed-up has-been after only two cases?

My name is Sherlock Herms. It is my business to know what others don’t know. But since my phone isn’t ringing, clearly everyone knows everything so I’m not needed for nuffin’.

Actually I think Charley unplugged my phone until I got my focus issues under control. No sense taking more cases if I can’t see the clues right under my whiskers. Read More

Sherlock Herms in … Under the Couch

under-the-couch

Previously on Sherlock Herms…Behind the Bookcase.

“I need to show yoo something.” Dori grabbed her favorite cuddle blanket from the living room couch and wrapped it around her before crawling up the stairs to my office.

The minute I opened the door I sensed something was wrong. My Ride was huddled in the corner, whimpering like a scared puppy. When it saw me it ran over my foot with its anxiousness to be comforted. As I rubbed my foot and petted my Ride’s green mint chip dotted hood, my attention zeroed in on my mom’s bookcase in the corner. The shelves are crammed with books about authoring mysteries, books about detecting stuff, and books about ghosts. Behind it is a secret staircase. In 1945 the stairs led down to a yard with a swimmy pool that no longer existed. Seventy some years into the future, the bookcase hid the stairs to nowhere…except now bright light was flowing out from behind it.

Last week I’d been chatting with Charley when the bright light pushed the bookcase away from the stairs to flood my office. Charley had reacted with surprise and defiance. Someone beyond the light had called to him, but he refused to go. “I—I didn’t expect to be summoned so soon,” he’d told me, looking a little shook up. “I thought I had more time.”  Read More

Sherlock Herms in… Behind the Bookcase

behind-the-bookcase

Previously on Sherlock Herms… Monkey Business!

Dori asked, “Did yoo know about writing children’s books when Mom wrote Finding Mya?”

I thought about it. “No.”

“Did yoo know about family dysfunction and Christmas folklore when she wrote Kringle?”

I swallowed hard. “No!” Feeling a panic attack coming on, I grabbed my floofy tail for something to hold onto. “Does this mean I haven’t been her mews all along?”

Dori placed her paws on either side of my face. “It means all yoo have to be is you in order to inspire her stowies. That’s all a mews does.”

“Well said, my little sweetheart.” Charley sat on the sunroom couch, smiling.

I stared at them both. “But… I have inattentional blindness! And you’re wrong, Charley. It is a disease. It has 99,500 links listed on Google. It’s a full-blown epidemic. I can never be like Sherlock Holmes if I have a disease!”

Charley sighed. “Herman, only Holmes can be Holmes.”

Dori tugged on my arm. “Yoo don’t need to be another Shewlock Holmes. Yoor Shewlock Hewms. Not the same. Diffewent.”

“I’m not saying you cannot be a most excellent detective,” Charley continued, but I’d tuned him out. Dori too. Clearly the ability to pay attention to one thing at a time applies to listening as well.

With the hum of Charley’s and Dori’s voices shifted to background noise…like the dishwasher running… I turned back to the window to focus on the bird sitting on the birdbath. Then I shifted my attention to Candy’s reflection in the glass.

I saw Candy stretch her legs as she sighed in her sleep.

I saw Dori exchanging opinions with Charley as to why I should give up my dream of being like Sherlock Holmes.

Something caught my attention. Charley looked solid to me. Not ghost-like, as though he was still alive.

I also saw something in the window’s reflection that made the fur on my neck stand up! Read More

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