Hi Furends! This is Dori *wavy paws* welcoming yoo back to another episode of Tuesdays with Dori.
Did yoo know that 54.7% of U.S. adults plan on celebrating Valentine’s Day this year by buying gifts for their significant others, friends or pets? Their total planned spending is estimated to reach $19.6 billion, up from $18.2 billion in 2017.
With hoomons spending so much on gifts, I thought I’d pwesent my picks for 8 Epic Valentine Gift Failures by Hoomons.
Let’s begin with Epic Failure #8: Dinner at White Castle
Even I know this is a bad choice. Have yoo any idea of what them noms do to yoor digestive system? How can yoo expect to get womantical after eating a dozen of them nasty little boogers?
Epic Failure #7: Bake It Yoorself Cake
Hoomons! Valentine’s Day is no time to pwactice yoor baking skillz. Plan ahead. Better yet. Hire a pwofessional.
Epic Failure #6: Planning Too Far Ahead
Years ago my veterinarian gave his girlfriend car tires for Valentine’s Day. She needed them, so he thought giving her something pwactical was a good idea. It wasn’t. Car tires are right up there with pre-arranged funerals. Unless yoor Valentine literally has one foot in the grave…skip this idea.
Epic Failure #5: Edible Undies
At first I thought this might be a good Valentine gift. I mean, it’s meat. But then I realized it looks like a 15th century chastity belt. Nothing that old could be edible. Also — jerky does bad things to the digestive system. See Epic Fail #8 for futher discussion.
Epic Failure #4: Yoor Faces on Chocolate Noms
Kitten and puppy faces on chocolates would be purrfect. Hoomon faces look cweepy.
Epic Failure #3: Anything that Two Hoomons Wear at Same Time
Sweating is not womantic. It’s stinky and disgusting. That’s all I’m gonna say.
Epic Failure #2: Toilet Paper
Like Epic Failure #5, at first I thought this might be a good gift. We cats love to unwavel and shred toilet paper. But hoomons…nobody likes diawwhea. No. Body.
Epic Failure #1: THIS!
There are two things wrong with this gift. One: It’s a scale, and wimmen don’t like to be weminded how much they weigh. Especially on Valentine’s Day when chocolate noms are expected. The second thing wrong with this gift is that the chocolates are not weal. They’re fake. And hoomons…there is nothing worse than fake chocolates. Nothing!
I think hoomons could learn a thing or two from me on choosing the purrfect Valentine gifts.
Give from the heart. Knowing yoor Valentine may need car tires is one thing, but after putting the tires on her car, leave a dozen wed woses on the dwiver seat.
If yoor Valentine loves cake, pull out yoor wallet and buy her an elegantly decowated nom from a fancy bakery. Also do not expect to find something decent at 7 p,m. February 13th. Order a week ahead.
Make weservations at a wespectible westaurant. Choose Waffle House over White Castle and their cuzzin Krystals.
Steer clear of appliances and clothing sold at Spencers Gifts.
Purrsonalized gifts are usually a good choice…unless yoo sent away to have yoor face engraved on something. Please take a moment to look in a mirror before yoo do this. Odds are nobody is gonna want to nom something wif yoor face on it.
Dori’s Choices for a Purrfect Valentine Gift
You’ll never fail if you say “I Wuv Mew” with heart shaped steak and bacon woses!
So! What was the worse Valentine Gift yoor hoomon ever gave or received? Enquiring minds want to know.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Love, Dori