Will You Be My Valentine Game Show

Welcome to the Wonderpurr new game show, Will You Be My Valentine? where one lovely young lady questions three bachelors to decide which she would enjoy having accompany her on a fabulously exotic vacation date. I'm your host. Herman TattleCat, and these are the lucky Bachelors:

Bachelor Numpurr One is known as The Cat Who Gives Back. When you buy him a treat on his website, he will donate proceeds to animal rescues, feline health research, TNR and everything else to help animals. Being a feral TNR rescue himself, this bachelor recently had his Basepaws DNA examined to discover he's an impressive mix of Siberian, American Shorthair, Maine Coon, Russian Blue, and Abyssian, along with a bit of Persian, Bengal, Savannah, Burmese and Egyptian Mau thrown in. 

Livin the dream on Canada's Cape, meet the guy you all know as @ItsMeKevin_theCat.

Bachelor Numpurr Two says he was adopted under false pretenses, and ended up living on a boat owned by a Vegan/Knit addict who posts photos of delicious noms on @TheVeganGalley.  While he is currently land-bound for winter, during the summer months you can find him sailing up and down the American East Coast. Please welcome Turkish Van mix, Peanut, the guy you all know as @ImABoatCat.

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Uh... Hey, Peanut. The show has started. You want to finish up your grooming?

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Bachelor Numpurr Three admits to being a special needs, emotionally challenged AssRabbit. Diagnosed with a personality disorder known as Brat Syndrome, it is said he has a total lack of impulse control, and boasts of being a role model for bad behavior. One of this bachelor's many talents is his ability to fetch, wear costumes, as well as climb ladders, all of which made National news when HLN host Robin Meade showcased him on Pet Moments last year. Please meet Rabbit, whose Turkish Van pedigree papers display the unlikely name of @Hermes_LuxuryCat.

HERMAN TATTLECAT: While we've been meeting The Bachelors, our lovely Bachelorette has been off-stage in a sound-proof room. Let's meet her now. 

This young lady is a three-year-old double amputee who had both of her front legs amputated due to tissue necrosis. However, this never stopped her from becoming the happy, healthy, and utterly unstoppable darling of Instagram with an impressive following of over 67,000, please welcome the adorable @LollyCatRex.

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Welcome Lolly to Will You Be My Valentine? game show. You know we have three guys over there who are just scratching at the cat tree to go on a date with you to a fabulously exotic location chosen by our sponsors. Unfortunately you can select only one, so without further delay, let's have the Bachelor's say hello to you. Bachelor Numpurr One?

KEVIN: Hiya, Lolly!

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Thank you, and Bachelor Numpurr Two?

PEANUT: Looking forward to meeting you, Lolly.

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Annnnd Bachelor Numpurr Three?

RABBIT: Hull-low, Lolly!

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Okay, they sound ready to go. If you have your questions ready, let's see how well you get to know them in the next eight minutes. So get comfortapurr, and start when you're ready.

LOLLY: Bachey-lor Numpurr One: What’s your strangest quirk?

KEVIN: I don’t “cat” very well. Considering imma cat that’s strange, right? I mean, I could cat if I wanted to. But I like to keep my options open.

LOLLY: Numpurr Two?

PEANUT: I hate playing by myself. Will you be my play mate? *wiggles flirty whiskers*

LOLLY: *giggles* Numpurr Three?

RABBIT: I take myself off to bed at 6pm every night. But I expect a snack in my bowl before I fall asleep. Mom says I’m precious that way.

LOLLY: How would your Mom describe you in three words? Bachey-lor Two?

PEANUT: Mr. High. Maintenance.

LOLLY: I like the sound of that! Bachey-lor One?

KEVIN: Handsome. Debonair. Crazy good looking….he says modestly.

LOLLY: And Bachey-lor Three?

RABBIT: Relentless. Intelligent. Powerful. *flexes claws at the camera*

LOLLY: Where is your favorite place to spend time?

KEVIN: With the ladies! *wiggles eyebrows into camera* Humma Humma…and in my fav window looking at the birds and random cats in our back yard. They live in fear of me getting out, I tell ya.

PEANUT: I like a good paper bag.

RABBIT: My Zen Den where I go to meditate. This should tell you I am a cool, sensitive guy… but not a weenie.

LOLLY: Bachey-lors, what one word describes your life?

PEANUT: Complicated.

KEVIN: EVENTFUL.

RABBIT: MADCAP!

LOLLY:  Numpurr Three, you mean Madcap as in foolhardy, harebrained and stupid?

RABBIT: Uhhh, No! I… I meant like crazy fun, except you said only one word and I was like well, if I said Crazy, then that would give you the wrong impression about me.

PEANUT:  Or the right one, from my point of mew.

RABBIT: Give me your phone number after the show, Peanut, so I can send you a selfie of me and Lolly on our fabulous vacation date.

LOLLY: Bachey-lor Numpurr One, what’s your theme song?

KEVIN: I’m Just a Gigolo

LOLLY: Two?

PEANUT: Cool Change by Little River Band

LOLLY: And Three?

RABBIT: *throws back head and yowls* Born to be Wiiiild *makes motorcycle purr sound effects*

LOLLY: Gosh! I don't think my Momma would let me ride a motorcycle. Bachey-lors, what kind of weather forecast would our relationship be?

A-Always sunny

B-Partly cloudy

C-Rash and unpredictable

D-Like a tornado

KEVIN: D--A tornado in a good way. RAWR! *breaks into song* Thought you'd change the weather, Start a little storm, Make a little rain, But I'm gonna do one better, Hide the sun until you pray, I'm a tornado, Looking for a soul to take!

RABBIT: I’m Rash and unpredictable, with a side order of tornado. *breaks into song* If you change your mind, I'm the first in line, Honey I'm still free, Take a chance on me!

LOLLY TO MOMMA OFF STAGE: Do I have to still do this, Momma? They’re singing to me. What? But I don’t like them singing. It hurts my ears. *sighs* Ohhh-kay Bachy-lor Numpurr Two, what kind of weather forecast would you be? *puts paws over ears*

PEANUT: Rash and unpredictable. Sorry I don’t like to sing.

LOLLY: Great! I pick you. Game over!

HOST HERMAN TATTLECAT: Miss Lolly, in order to win the fabulous trip to an exotic location,  you really need to give the other Bachelors a chance.

LOLLY: *heavy sigh* I just wanted to be on teevee. Ohhh-kay. Bachey-lor Numpurr One, give three random facts about mew. And NO SINGING!

KEVIN: Well, I don’t like shrimp. Which is weird because I love seafood. Also, I talk big, but actually I am very, very sweet. And third, I have serious street creds. You see, Lolly, before I was catnapped I roamed the streets. You’ll always be safe with me because of my gansta history.

LOLLY: Bachey-lor Numpurr Two?

PEANUT: I love meeting new people while I’m out and about. Fuzzy blankets are my weakness. And I sit like a very distinguished gentleman, a lot.

LOLLY: *squeals* That sounds so cuuuute! And Madcap boy, three random facts about mew.

RABBIT: I have such sensitive skin, I got a bad burn from a dose of Frontline Plus. *makes sad eyes into camera* Also, I can bleat like a goat. I’d be glad to purrform for you if you pick me.

LOLLY: That's two. What else?

RABBIT: This is embarrassing to admit but, I needed a bath after my first trip to the vet. The reason is better left to one’s imagination.

LOLLY: Wait-- are you saying you poo'd your britches? That must have been very embarrassing for you.

RABBIT: Yeah. Especially now that you made it abundantly clear to everyone watching.

LOLLY: *giggles* Bachey-lor Numpurr One, what is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to mew?

KEVIN: I got catnapped! Ya… I was a rough and tough street dude until I was catnapped. I felt kinda sorry for my ‘nappers, so I started to like them. I think I’m a text book case for Stockholm Syndrome.

LOLLY: Numpurr Two?

PEANUT: Once I went to jump but forgot I had a harness on and ended up dangling mid-air for a bit. Life lesson here: Look before you leap.

LOLLY: And Numpurr Three?

RABBIT: Besides getting bathed by the Vet I’d just met, I tried to jump UP a window, but slid down the wall and slipped behind the sofa. Mom, of course, caught it on video. In my defense, I was just a little kid.

LOLLY: Are you a talker, or the silent type, Numpurr One?

KEVIN: I talk, but I also know how to whisper in fluffy ears… *affects a voice like Antonio Banderas*  Me-OW!

LOLLY: Numpurr Two? Silent or chatty?

PEANUT: That’s up to you. The more I’m ignored, the more I talk, so if you love silence, give me lots of attention. Also, are you hungry? I got a pizza here I'm willing to share.

LOLLY: I love silence, and I love pizza, so I’m definitely going to pick you, Numpurr Two.

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Miss Lolly!

LOLLY: *heavy sigh* Bachey-lor Numpurr Three?

RABBIT: I’m vocal when excited, but I know when to be silent, mostly cuz you girls like to talk so much, it’s hard to get a word in edgewise. Wait. That came out wrong. Can I get a do-over?

LOLLY: Bachey-lor Numpurr One, have you ever caught something alive, and if so, what did you do with it? 

KEVIN: I did, but it was too big to eat…so I just almost tore off the finger. As mentioned, I also have some street creds so I’m a good hunter. *crosses arms, throws a smug Winner-Take-All look at Bachelors 2 and 3.*

RABBIT: You wouldn’t guess to look at me, but I’m a fast and furious hunter. I’ve got notches in my tail for my trophy kills. The most recent was a tiny frog who got down on his knees and begged me let him go. I did. But only after Mom grabbed me by the ruff, pried open my jaws of death, and rescued Froggy. I think he peed on Mom as a parting gift. *mimics Kevin, crossing arms and throwing him a smug look*

PEANUT: Yes, I'm a hunter, Lolly, but it got away. I put its tail in my food bowl so I could show my family that I do contribute to the pantry. This should tell you I’m capable of supporting mew, and seeing to your needs. *shows flashy tail to camera*

HOST HERMAN TATTLECAT: And that finishes our Bachelorette's questions. Now we will give Miss Lolly a minute to decide which bachelor will accom--

LOLLY: Numpurr Two!

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Are you sure you don't want to take a min-

LOLLY: NUMPURR TWO!!!

HERMAN TATTLECAT: The lady has spoken, gentlemen. But before you can meet the lucky Bachelor Numpurr Two, let's first meet the Bachelor's you didn't pick. 

Bachelor Numpurr One hails from Nova Scotia, and is the founder of the Reversed Mohawk. From Instagram meet ItsMeKevin_theCat!

Next, Lolly, Bachelor Numpurr Three was born in Michigan. He spent the first three years of his life twenty minutes south of Elvis Presley's home in Memphis, Tennessee. Also, he enjoyed being pet sit by the same sitter for icon rock 'n roller Jerry Lee Lewis' pets. Now living in NorthEast Florida, from Instagram meet Hermes_LuxuryCat.

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Even though Lolly didn't pick you fellas to go on a fabulously exotic vacation date with her, we don't want you to go away empty-handed. So here's our lovely prize hostess, Dori, to show you fellas what you've won just by playing the game.

KEVIN: Dude, I've found better prizes in my litter box!

RABBIT: They look like they were dug up from a 1960's landfill.

KEVIN: I'm a street gangsta. What am I gonna do with a teapot? C'mon Madcap. Let's go grab some brewski's at the Catnip Club.

HERMAN TATTLECAT: And now, Miss Lolly, let's meet the ManCat of your dreams. As we formerly learned when you were offstage in a sound-proof booth, Bachelor Numpurr Two lives on a boat owned by a Vegan/Knit addict. Currently land-bound for winter in Maryland, during the summer months you can find him sailing up and down the American East Coast. Please welcome Turkish Van mix, Peanut, the guy you all know as @ImABoatCat.

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Lolly, as you know Peanut is a sea-faring adventure cat, and our sponsors have come up with a date we know you both will love. And hereeeer's Dori to show you scenes from your fabulously exotic vacation date tooooo...

DORI: Pronounced Da-troit, not Dee-troit, your trip starts with a dazzling boat ride down the Detroit River at night, with a short--very short--stop off at Belle Isle. Rich with history and natural beauty, Belle Isle Park is a Detroit gem that became Michigan's 102nd State Park February 10, 2014 as part of a 30-year lease agreement. The City of Detroit maintains ownership while the Michigan Department of Natural Resources manages the island park. This 982-acre island park is situated on the Detroit River between the United States and Canada. Although since your boat ride is at night, and it's kinda dangerous down there after dark, you won't be staying long.

NEXT!

DORI:  You will be taken on a whirlwind tour of the famous Packard and Fisher Body 21 plants to play paintball. Yes, these historical treasures, once large buildings employing thousands, have fallen on irrevocable decay. However, they attract paintballers due to the vast amount of obstacles one can hide around; not to mention the post-apocalyptic setting, which offers the ideal backdrop.

NEXT!

DORI: You will enjoy the fabulous cuisine that Detroit is famously known for. At the iconic Lafayette Coney Island you will be served a Coney hot dog with loose chili sauce, topped with white onions and mustard on a steamed bun. I highly recommend sharing a plate of fries topped with the chili, and a Vernor's ginger ale on ice. It's not fancy, but its a staple of the Detroit diner diet.

PEANUT: Onions make me fart.

LOLLY: *squealing* Peanut, you say the cutest things!

DORI: And finally, your fabulous date will wind down when you join marchers protesting the year-long Covid-19 quarantine lock down dictated by the infamous Michigan governor. Worry not, we will supply you both with masks, paw sanitizers, and your very own Detroit Will Breathe protest signs. In addition, you will be staying at the Atheneum Suite Hotel located in the fabulous Greektown District, next to the Greektown Casino. This all-suite hotel offers free WiFi, free area shuttle service and an on-suite restaurant and bar. Due to you both being underaged, you will not be allowed into the Casino, however we have supplied a pile of casino token chips in your room for you to play with. Enjoy, and be sure to post your selfie's to your social media accounts.

HERMAN TATTLECAT: Until next time, friends and viewers, Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer. Let's be Happy While We're Here. 

Thank you for enjoying Will You Be My Valentine? game show. And if you care to help out by buying a treat for It'sMeKevin_theCat, you can lick HERE.

Proceeds are donated to animal rescues, feline health research, TNR and everything to help animals.  Why not buy a $15 Bouquet of Treats and dedicate it to someone you care about? Show them how they helped you help others in their name. Post it to your social media and tag them!