The Great Pumpkin Interview

Hi evfurryone, this is me, Dori. *wavy paws* I hope yoo are all enjoying a beautiful autumn, and not overindulging in pumpkin spice everything.

Today I am joined by my littergator furend, Pwetzel Kitteh. Due to the wurld we live in where evfurrybuddy sues over stoopid stuff like not enough strawberry in a Pop Tart, Pwetzel (his real name is Peanut, but I'm his favorite client so I get to call him Pwetzel) has agreed to accompany me during my intermew with The Great Punkin. Just in case he gets overly sensitive and decides to sue me for my Bweaking Nooz questions.

DORI: Welcome Great Punkin! So nice of yoo to join me for this spontaneous, totally unplanned, and unrecorded intermew.

GREAT PUMPKIN: Thank you for inviting me, Adorapurr. 

DORI: Yoo can call me Dori, Great Punkin.

GREAT PUMPKIN: And you can call me ... Great PUMPKIN... not Punkin. 

DORI: (whispurrs to PretzelKitteh) I knew it! He's already being a poo-poo-head.

PRETZELKITTEH: In littergator-eze, that's known as being uncoopurrative. Do you want to terminate this interview?

DORI: No, I was born feral. I can hold my own. (to Great Pumpkin) Yoo can call me Dori, since this is a friendly intermew.

GREAT PUMPKIN: In that case, you may call me Great.

PRETZELKITTEH: (whispurrs to Dori) Careful. He sounds like he's trying to control the interview.

GREAT PUMPKIN: Or... since you strike me as sincere, I'll let you call me... PUNKIN.

DORI: Squeee! I knew yoo were a nice guy. I picked this punkin patch specially for yoo. Look around. There is not one sign of hypocrisy or littergators. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see.

GREAT PUMPKIN:  Then let the this interview begin!

DORI: I can't help but notice that yoo did not bring a bag of toys with yoo. 

G.P.: Sadly that is a rumor that has done much to destroy my reputation. I am not Santa Claus. I do not have elves in my employment who make toys. All I do is fly around looking for a sincere pumpkin patch. I have thought about suing that Peanuts cartoon, but I'm not rich, and lawyers are expensive.

DORI: Not all littergators. Some are reasonably priced. Might even wurk for cat tweats. 

PRETZELKITTEH: (whispurring) Give him my bizness cawd. Christmas is coming. I could use the cash to buy my Meowmy something hoomons would like. She didn't appreciate the dead mole I put in her stocking last year.

DORI: Punkin, do yoo believe in Santa Claus?

G.P.: Of course I believe in him. He's as real as me! We are gambling buddies. We like to bet on how many children will be sick on Halloween candy, and then at Christmas, we bet on how many kids will be bad or good, and which horrible children deserve coal. Seriously some of those brats deserve being locked up with Krampus. And before you ask, yes he's real, too.

DORI: Good to know. To my readers, if yoo don't know Krampus, look him up. But first, bwace yoorself. Punkin, tell me, what was yoor childhood like?

G.P.: Picture if you will, a small orange pumpkin running through the patch (that's what we called it as kids) playing scare the rabbit with my friends. Days were warm and long. But, when the dreaded month of October came, we were all scared. Mama and Papa told us the horror stories of Halloween. We knew to hide when the hoomons came. The patch became a war zone of broken and dropped pumpkins. Many of us never saw family members ever again. I lost so many friends my first October. It's was horrible.

DORI: My sincere condolences on yoor losses. My readers have questions that they are dying to know the answer to. Fur instance... Why don't yoo wear pants?

G.P.: I know they say that round is a shape, be seriously I have a 96 million inch waist and legs of a chicken (slight exaggeration).  I can't afford to keep having pants altered. Besides, I'm a pumpkin. There's nothing to hide. Plus, I like the feel of the wind on my rind. <sassy wink>

PRETZELKITTEH: (whispurrs) He sounds creepy. Keep the questions less purrsonal.

DORI: Do yoo weceive Royalties for 'It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown' cartoon?

G.P.: That's rather personal, Dori. Actually, you will have to read my memoirs to find out. Did I mention I'm writing my life story? It's going to be a warts and all bestseller. I have a ghost writer cald Kimberley. She's very good, but I'm sure I smelt pumpkin spice in her latte yesterday. Between you and me, I think she's after my job. I'll send you a copy and you can read all about it. Being famous can be very draining, but I manage it well I think.

DORI: I look forward to writing a review of yoor memoirs. Next question: How come I need to poo after eating pumpkin?

PRETZELKITTEH: (hissing) Again, too purrsonal. Stop behaving like a Fan Girl.

DORI: (hissing back) I'm not a Fan Girl. This is Bweaking Nooz questions I'm asking. I'm sowwy, Punkin. What did yoo say?

G.P.: Well, I'm not a doctor, but I think it means it's poisonous to you. Seriously, why are you eating my species? What did we do to you? We will revolt and take our rightful place at the head of the food chain! Oof! Sorry about that. My therapist has suggested I write down my feelings when they overwhelm me, but sometimes people just push my buttons, ya know?

DORI: I completely understand. I'm asked all the time why I'm not wearing purrple underpants because that's my famous song, Purrple Underpants. But these are questions yoor adoring pawblic demands to know about yoo. Fur instance... What lies do yoo often tell yoorself?

G.P.: That I'm good enough. Christmas is not the best holiday. People really do love me. I'm worth it.

DORI: Competing with Santa Claus has got to be hard, but look at it this way: Halloween is the second most popular holiday. So yoo're doing something right. And speaking of bad pawrents... 

G.F.: What makes you think I had bad parents?

DORI: Yoo carry an air of childhood trauma. I'm not judging. My momma ran off and left me with strangers when I was only three months old. So, what's the worst thing yoor pawents ever said to yoo?

G.P.: That if I'm not a good boy, a child will sneak into my room and scrape out my insides to make me into a pie. It's true you know, it happened to my friend Ella (we called her Pumperella for fun). She was all "Na mum, you're not the boss of me" and the next day she was found on someone's porch -- gutted -- with a candle in place of her insides. Gutted I tell you! The horror!

DORI: Yoo should sell yoor story to John Carpenter. Making money off childhood trauma is the Ameowican way. Is there something missing from yoor life?

G.P.: Ah yes, love. I know, you look at me and wonder how could I be missing anything, but being as famous as I am, it's hard to... you know, get out and meet people. Women always want something from me. All this latte nonsense has added to the stress of dating. I caught my last 'date' with a jar of pumpkin spice in her bag. I won't say to you what she had in mind, but let's just say you couldn't print it for your readers. So I've resigned myself to sitting in the field alone, teaching the little ones about Halloween. But I'm still looking, so if you know a lady 'pumpkin' (I've given up with human ladies, too much drama) I'm still free.

DORI: Sowwy, yoo are the only punkin I know. But good luck with yoor womantical pwoblems. Next question: What is the worst smell yoo've ever smelled?

G.P.: I'm gonna have to go with pumpkin spiced lattes. Seriously, do humans have no sense of smell?  It's disgusting.

DORI: I totally agree. Don't get me started on hoomons adding punkin spice to corn flakes, gummi bears and Spam. I wanna barf just thinking of it. Okay, here's my final question: Do yoo watch Reality TV, and if so, which one is yoor favorite?

G.P.: I'm not really a fan of reality TV. I don't understand why people feel the need to make idiots of themselves on TV when they can do it at home and not have the world laugh at them. So much drama. I do see lots of, and I use the term loosely, famous people taking their rug rats to the pumpkin patch. That Peanuts film I was in has a lot to answer for. And then the brats pick up and drop my family and friends like they are nothing. I like to think the ones they take home are looked after and treated like family... but I think they probably all end up like Ella. Oh, the horror! As an afterthought... I do occasionally like to Keep up with the Kardashians. But if I ever hear that they abuse my peoples, so help me I will dump a load of pumpkin puke into every last one of their their Hollywood swimming pools!

DORI: Please call me if that ever happens. I'm a Bweaking Nooz wepurrtor, yoo know. Thank yoo so much for pawticipating in this intermew. And here's my littergator's card, just in case yoo change yoor mind about suing the hoomons behind that cartoon.

PRETZELKITTEH: (whispurrs) Ask him for his autograph. Here's another one of my business cards for him to sign.

DORI: Talk about being a Fan Boy!

Thank yoo so much for enjoying my intermew with the Great Punkin. If yoo want to share it wif yoor furends, yoo are given clearance by my littergator.

Before yoo leave, be sure to subscribe to future Wonderpurr posts like this one by adding yoor email to my follow.it list over on the right side bar. This is impawtent because if yoo don't, then sadly yoo will miss out on my upcoming intermews with Tom Turkey, and one of Santa's reindeer. On the advice of my littergator, I am not allowed to disclose which reindeer. So go subscribe right now before yoo forget.

Until next time...