The Chubby Chonkers Club and How I Lost 3 Pounds with a Purrsonal Trainer

Hi evfurrybuddy, it's me Dori *wavy paws* with another episode of Tuesdays with Dori, plus all the joocy gossip I could find while prowling the inpurrnet.

This past week I ran into fellow reporter Latte, host of News with Latte, and she told me her pawrents have started calling her a Chonkers "Fun Size" while her sisfur Ellie Mae is a "full-size" Chonkers candy bar. According to Latte, their Momma Kat is either shooing Latte away from Ellie's plate, or chasing Ellie around with a plate to get her to eat. Clearly Ellie is very pawtikular about privacy while dining, as she doesn't like being stared at while she puts food into her mouth.

I ask yoo, what woman enjoys being watched while eating? When was the last time we saw video of  Jennifer Lopez horking a bowl of plain M&M's? Actually, I heard a rumor from my Hollyweird connections that J-Lo throws tantrums when hotel maids dare to give her peanut M&M's. 

Ellie, maybe yoo need to rip a page from Kris Jennier's game book and have evfurryone in yoor fam sign an NDA, pronto! I mean, jesting about girth growth among relatives is one thing, but broadcasting it for all the world to read is a lawsuit waiting to happen. 

Now, while I've signed an NDA at my house, being a Bweaking Nooz reporter I have a special dispensation when it comes to sharing Behind the Scenes insider info on those who share my domain. So what I'm about to reveal is not liable for any lawsuit, mainly because *raises right paw* it's the Troof and Nuthin But The Troof, so Help me Cod.

THE DIRT ON CANDY

My sisfur Candy is a Calico, and easily falls under the category of "Chonkers." Momma says the girl just can't say no to a calorie. It's gotten so Candy gets a portion of canned wet pate without a side order of kibbies because we all know she will scarf down her meal, and then lean over to sneak bites off the plate of her boyfriend, KC. 

And KC will then lean over into Opie's plate... who will lean over into Peaches' plate... who will lean into Candy's plate... except Candy's plate is empty because she didn't leave a single crumb for Queen Peaches.

Since wimmen rarely reveal their weight, and I was unable to find a reliable information source at our family veterinarian, I am unable to report at this time just how chonky Candy actually is. However, when I was enrolled at the National Enquirer School for Journalism I learned pictures are worth a thousand meows:

Now from this aerial shot it may appear that KC is also a member of the Chubby Chonkers Club, however he's actually a big boy and looks slim and healthy when he's strutting his fine self around the house. Or maybe he's deliberately bulging just to make Candy feel less self-conscious about her weight.

As we age us wimmen have problems either losing weight or gaining weight for many reasons. Purrsonally, I lost three pounds when a certain AssWabbit joined my family. After a year he started chasing me all around the house, stalking me like he was a lion on the Serengeti and I was prey.

If yoo are stwuggling with a few pounds, I would be happy to send over my purrsonal Turkish Van weight loss coach free of charge provided yoo keep him at yoor house because I am DONE with his boosheet.

Here's the problem with Candy. She doesn't run, even from Wabbit. She may squeal with outrage, or hiss. But she's a red-blooded Calico and we all know how they are very confidant and will stand their ground when confronted. 

Candy is clearly comfy with her body image and our momma is aware that less calories plus more activity is the secret to getting a pound or so off my sisfur. However there is only so much we can do to motivate someone, and when they are stubborn and constantly hangry, then that purrson is in God's hands and He can deal with her determined cattitude.                                                                                        

AND HERE'S THE REST OF THE STORY

Did yoo know bending low over your plate can create digestion malfunction? Think about all the times yoor fur baby has barfed after eating. Were their plates sitting directly on the floor? Raising the food off the ground will help them digest their noms much easier.

A few years ago we bought a plastic children's table, removed the legs and donated the chairs to Goodwill. All we wanted was the pink table. It works perfectly for the Gang to gather around at mealtime and enjoy their noms without digestive upset occurring after they've finished.

The table is stored when not in use, but when it comes out there is a mad rush to gather around and wait for Food Service Girl (as the Trout Tabbies call her) to serve their meals.

Here is an example of Candy asking KC if he's finished with his food because she's done - for now - with hers. Because we are typical cats and will change our minds about what we like to eat at any given moment, our mom serves three different flavors of Fancy Feast at every meal just in case one... or four... of us decides we don't like what we have in front of us and want to change plates with someone else.

In the example below Opie - also a member of the Chubby Chonkers Club - has cleaned his plate, but clearly was not happy with the flavor he got stuck with.

And so this concludes this week's Tuesdays with Dori. We at It's a Wonderpurr Life are in the process of making changes and redefining the purrpose of this blog. If yoo enjoy my Tuesdays with Dori, please let me know why in the comments below. I won't be hurt too much if yoo are ready for something new.

Until next time...