Kick The Litter Debut's with Discussion on Kitteh Talk

DORI: Hi evfurrybuddy, I'm Dori. *wavy paws* Welcome to the very first episode of Kick the Litter, a brand-new feature here on It’s a Wonderpurr Life where members of our family, comprised of cats from varying backgrounds, generations, and breeds, gather each week to mix humor with intelligent debate over Hot Topics that pertain to not only us, but to cats in general all over the world.

CANDY: We hope our panel discussions will educate feline caretakers who may have the wrong impression about us. While there is a plethora of information out there among cat bloggers who write about health, behavior issues, training, and what new toy might bring joy to their fur babies, those posts are written solely from the viewpoint of the human author.

JESSE:  Never once have they asked our opinion on such what we think about having pills hidden inside our food or using treats to lure us into carriers with the objective of going to the vet. We will also examine why dressing us in cute costumes for the purpose of entertaining social media followers causes long lasting embarrassment.

RABBIT: And finally, we will do our best to entertain you humans with absurdity and laughter, because Cod knows you are in desperate need of a break from the agony, anxiety, burden, crunch, fear, hardship and hassle you’ve managed to make a part of your daily lives.

DORI: But before we open discussion on our first Hot Topic we have a special guest in honor of Groundhog Day. Please welcome - live from Gobbler’s Knob - the one and only Punxsutawney Phil.

CANDY: It seems we have interrupted Phil during his breakfast.

JESSE: While we wait for Phil to finish, let's view that infamous video where he bit that Wisconsin mayor on the ear seven years ago.

DORI: That had to hurt.

JESSE: Since I had stomatitis two years ago, I have serious teeth envy.

RABBIT: Hey Phil – oh great now he’s eating an apple. How about in between bites you tell us about the Gobbler’s Knob Got Talent contest held yesterday where the winner was awarded $500. What talent did the winner have?

JESSE: I think this is a good place to bid farewell to our guest. Anybody know if he saw his shadow this morning? Or do we care?

CANDY: We’re indoor cats. We don’t care.

DORI: Pretty sure outdoor cats care, but that’s a discussion for another week. So, let’s begin by addressing today’s Hot Topic. 

DORI: It amuses people all over the world but has become a sore spot for cats. I’m referring to an informal slanguage-type of made-up dialogue known as Kitteh Talk.

RABBIT: Cats are far more educated and intelligent than humans give us credit for. We do not use kitteh talk when we converse among ourselves, except possibly when we’re mocking our silly Hoo-Mons.

JESSE: Speaking as a representative for Black Cats, I want to take this opportunity to say I find Kitteh Talk discriminatory. When humans mimic the speech pattern, tone, or accent of another human race, they call it Accentism. But when they do it to cats, it’s Kitteh Talk.

CANDY: I’ve seen Kitteh Talk used all over social media in the form of memes, cartoons, tweets, and posts on Facebook and Instagram. I feel this is just another form of cultural appropriation where a dominant culture, namely humans, appropriate and cutesy the speech of a minority culture, namely felines.

RABBIT: As you are aware, I have reached ten thousand followers on Instagram, and I’ve done it primarily without the use of Kitteh Talk, except when mocking it’s use.

DORI: That’s because Mom felt, as an expensive purebred with world renown intelligence for your breed, it would be ridiculous for you to say hoo-mons for human, and noms for food. However, I’m not only stuck with cutesy verbiage from my years on Twitter, and now Instagram, but I’m also known for my lisp. I substitute ‘w’ for ‘r’s. I don’t say Herman, I say ‘Hwermie,’ and I say Pwetzel for my boyfriend’s social media name, PretzelKitteh. See? He has Kitteh Talk as part of his social media presence.

JESSE: I’m not allowed to use the correct spelling for I. On Instagram I say Ah, and Ah’m. And I say verra for very, and thankee for thank you. Grrr.

DORI: Instagwam. Pwetty. And don’t get me started on spelling yoo for you. Or yoor for you’re. I’m not only pretty, I’m intelligent, but everyone thinks I speak baby talk.

CANDY: You do have it rough, Dori. But then, you have the lion’s share of our momanager’s creativity when it comes to putting you in the world spotlight. I barely get a mention on our Wonderpurr Life Facebook page.

JESSE: I promise to post more of your photos, Candy, now that I’m the face of Instagram’s Wonderpurr Life.

CANDY: Thank you, but I’m fine. My anonymity allows me to cultivate true friends based on mutual preferences and ideals. Not on how many times someone has liked my picture.

RABBIT: What true friends? Other than KC – who you told had to be your boyfriend five minutes after he set foot inside the house for the first time after being adopted – you’re antisocial.

CANDY: I’m not antisocial. I’m a Calico. I’m spunky and assertive, and generally independent. I don’t require constant attention like some Turkish Van showoffs who will remain nameless.

RABBIT: I can’t help that I’m a purebred celebrity. I was four months old when Mom created my first Instagram personality using my breeder file name: Hermes LuxuryCat. In three years, I cultivated seven thousand followers. When I renegotiated my contract last year and renamed my account Diary of an AssRabbit, I gained three thousand more friends.

CANDY: They aren’t your friends, Rabbit. They’re—

DORI: Jealous much?

CANDY: Excuse me? Jealous? Certainly not!

JESSE: You’re the only one on today’s panel without your own social media account. You must be a wee-bit jealous.

CANDY: Like I said, I enjoy my privacy. I would be horrified if my intimate moments were splashed all over Instagram and Facebook like yours are—

CANDY: What the Friskies! Who posted that? This is an invasion of privacy! I’ll sue! I need a lawyer.

DORI: My boyfriend PretzelKitteh is an excellent lawyer.

RABBIT: You mean “littergator” as you say it on Instagwam.

DORI: Oh, go check your bank account for the money you’re making from Instagram Reels, AssWabbit.

JESSE: Wait – he’s getting paid to act like a jerk in videos? Now I’m going to sue.

RABBIT: l can’t help it if people are entertained by my irascible, fun-loving nature, and social media is willing to pay me for it. In fact, people are putting in orders for my book, Diary of an AssRabbit, and it’s not even finished yet.

CANDY: Your book? You’re going to publish details of your wicked behavior and make money off sales? *jerks off microphone* I feel a hissy fit coming on. And I’m hungry. I’m done with this ridiculous discussion. I’m going to go raid the treat jar. *leaves in a huff*

DORI: *shakes head* Cod help her, with her apple-round bottom, she doesn’t need another calorie.

RABBIT: Very cattish of you, DorDor.

DORI: I may look sweet and tiny, but don’t mistake this pwetty face for weakness. I’ll chase yoo to the top of the fridge and make yoo scweam for mommy. *squints at Jesse* Amirite?

JESSE: *jerks off microphone and zooms off the stage*

RABBIT: And with that, we will close our first Kick the Litter post. We hope you will return next Thursday when Peaches and Frank join us to discuss the Pros and Cons of hiding pills in food. Or in my case, Jackson Galaxy’s Bully Solution drops squirted under my kibbies.

DORI: The way you’ve been behaving lately, I’m surprised Momma isn’t spwaying it down your throat. To everyone joining us today, thank you for your time. I invite you to return again on Tuesday for my new feature called Letters from Dori. If you’ve enjoyed today’s show, I would love for you to share it with friends who may also enjoy our new Kick the Litter panel discussions. 

Also, we have renegotiated our contracts and will receive compensation for each comment in the form of Cheezy treats and Inaba Churu’s, so please take a moment to add your opinion to our panel discussion on Kitteh Talk. Do your managers use this form of cuteness on your social media posts, and if so, are your offended? Thank you so much for being a part of our Wonderpurr Family.

Until Next Time...