Dear Mister Ralph Fiennes

 

Dear Mister Ralph Fiennes,

First, concatulations on yoor success as an actor. I didn’t know who yoo were until my momma sat me down for a Ralph Fiennes mewvee marathon, but now I have a pretty good idea of what yoor all about.

I was calling yoo RAL-pfff FIE-ness until my mom corrected me and said yoo pronounced yoor name Raif. Raif Fines. I thought she was pulling my tail, so I checked Speech Modification on YouTube and sure enough, she was right.

I’m not asking yoo to change yoor name since you’ve been an actor a long time… longer than I’ve been alive… but maybe, when yoo are doing a new mewvee, yoo could turn to the camera when yoo first appear and introduce yoorself by slowly enunciating the correct way to say yoor name. This will avoid confusion for others like me.

Momma showed me to the first mewvee she ever saw with yoo called Wuthering Heights. Yoo were really hansum, but kinda scary. Very intense. Reminded me of my brofur, the AssWabbit. Frankly, by the time yoo died from starvation I was exhausted. But I thought yoo and Juliette Binoche made a really nice couple. Any chances of yoo getting together as a real couple?

After Wuthering Heights Momma made me sit through The English Patient, and Schindler’s List, Quiz Show, Strange Days – I had no idea what was going on with that one – Maid in Manhattan – I love JoLo, yoo shudda married her before Ben Affleck. And then we had to watch a bunch of Harry Potter mewvees. I have no idea why since I never saw yoo acting in them. But then we watched The Menu.

I’ve seen it twice. First with my momma, and then she had to play it again so Daddy could watch. I saw the review on Rotten Tomatoes saying “The Menu is an atmospheric, claustrophobic thriller with a killer ending, but manages to fall short in serving up a full course of deranged delights.” There’s a lot of big words in that review that I don’t understand. If I were a mewvee critic my review would say:

"If yoo enjoy watching rich people suffer, yoo will enjoy The Menu, a skewering satire where a dozen snooty food snobs board a boat to a tiny island where they’ve paid over a thousand dollars to have dinner cooked for them by Chef Julian Slowik, played by actor Ralph Fiennes who pronounces his name Raif Fines, not RAL-pfff FIEness like maybe you thought. Chef Julian is more like a cult leader who refuses to serve bread with the bread course and makes entrées out of "charred milk lace" for millionaires. It doesn't take many opulent courses of elaborate proteins like chicken tacos with tiny scissors stuck in them for the guests to realize they have probably paid too much for dinner."

Truthfully, I only saw the mewvee up until the Fourth Course: The Mess. At one point yoo were talking to the younger chef guy while he was standing on a white sheet, but then Momma threw a treat across the room and I scampered off the couch to eat it. By the time I got back, the Palate Cleanser of Wild Bergamot and Red Clover tea was being served. For some reason Momma was in a treat-throwing frenzy throughout the rest of the mewvee until the end where yoo served that girl with the red hair and huge eyes a hamburger. After eating all those treats, I really wasn’t hungry, but honestly that burger did look very delicious. I could pwactically smell it in my living woom.

So, the reason why I’m writing to yoo is, how much would it cost for yoo to come to my house and cook me a hamburger like the one yoo made in the mewvee? I can’t travel to yoor island because I’m afraid of water and won’t get on a boat, plus I’m a house kitty and can’t leave my Catio. Also, I’m bwoke since I’ve never worked a day in my life. But if yoo insist on being compensationed, I could pay yoo in my most favorite treats in the whole world: Inaba Churu’s. Let’s say… four… No! Wait. Two. Two Churu’s and … I could throw in a cute pink catnip mouse that I got from Santa Claus that I haven’t played with much. Hardly any spit on it at all.

Please let me know what time I should expect yoo. I don’t have a phone, so maybe yoo could friend me on Instagwam and send me a DM.

Have a good day, and good luck with cheffing. Actually, if yoo want my opinion, yoo should stick with acting because it didn’t look like the snooty rich people in The Menu enjoyed yoor cooking. No offense!

Friends, have yoo had a chance to see The Menu mewvee? What did yoo think? Also, do yoo think I could have a career as a mewvee reviewer? If I fail as a blogger or a Bweaking Nooz repurrter, I need to have a backup career. 

Also, I want to wish Kitties Blue momma Janet a vewy Happy Birthday today. We at It's a Wonderpurr Life hope yoo are celebrated every moment of yoor special day. Love, Dori 

Until Next Time...